Monster Climber.com | The Adventure

Missed some of last week's Tweets? Twitter on the fritz? Just want to see what all the fuss is about? Here you can find the complete log of Dirk's current expedition to Reptiliton. But where's the excitement in reading week-old tweets? XSP27 (Xtra Smart Phone) has been working hard to make sure you can live everything in sorta real time as Dirk braves the perils of climbing this slumbering giant. Sign up for the Twitter stream today! Here's the story so far...

Week 01 Day 01

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. XSP AutoTweet – Expedition to Site 19c to commence in T minus 5 Days. Engaging dictatweet.
3. Hello. My name is Dr. Dirk Halverstrom. Today I am begin preparations for my most rewarding and dangerous expedition yet. You see today
4. Blast. One tweet in and I already dislike this whole thing. 140 character limit. How is anyone supposed
to put a thought together in
5. See, that is exactly what I am talking about. This was all my nephew’s idea. Why did I listen to him? He’s only 14 for pete’s sake. 6. I don’t even want to think what the website looks like. Probably chock full of whiz bang colors and such.
7. You need to join the 21st, Uncle D. Everybody tweets, Uncle D. People can go on your adventures, Uncle D. Bah.
8. XSP AutoTweet – You made a promise, Sir.
9. Fantastic, and now my Xtra Smart Phone is tweeting guilt trips at me. I swear if it wasn’t for his mother I’d
10. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk curses loudly and stomps his foot like a small child.
11. What was that? Taken to narrating now have we?
12. XSP AutoTweet – I am here to fill in the gaps when you are unable to tweet, Sir. A play-by-play, as it were.
13. Unable? You mean if I’m fighting off sharp toothed hellcat or if I get eaten. Something like that?
14. XSP AutoTweet – Yes, but as I usually reside on your belt, I would prefer we not get eaten.
15. I make no promises. I am a Monster Climber! The ONLY Monster Climber actually, and almost getting eaten
goes with the territory.
16. If you want easy. Safe. Go find yourself some hill somewhere and get out of my way.
17. Science and adventure wait for no man.
18. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk strikes a gallant pose…sheesh, this won’t get old at all.
19. Was that color-commentary?
20. XSP AutoTweet – No.
21. Well you sure weren’t whistling dixie. You better keep it to just the facts or ZSPAPZSDH
22. ERROR XSP AutoTweet malfunction. Please try again later.
23. How come you soul sucking machines always seem to glitch when the going gets tough? Or humid.
24. That’s enough technology for one day. The rest of the gear will be in tomorrow. Then it’s off to Reptiliton.

Day 02

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. The equipment seems to be late. I suppose it’s what I deserve for going with the free shipping.
3. What kind of world do we live in when you can ship your dead grandmother cheaper than an armored personnel carrier?
4. XPS AutoTweet – Perhaps you should inform your followers about the goal of this current expedition?
5. Now hold on one darn minute. I explained to every one of those pygmies that I was not a God. Use a flamethrower one time and 6. XSP AutoTweet – No, Sir. Followers is simply a term for the people who follow this twitter stream.
7. Oh. Then I suppose that’s ok. I think I see a delivery truck.
8. XSP AutoTweet – One of the world’s last great geniuses my…
9. No commentary! Bloody metal hobgoblin.
10. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk directs the delivery truck where to place an enormous wooden crate.
11. XSP AutoTweet – You know most people have to actually type their tweets; they don’t get to just dictate them like some people…
12. Odd. I just opened a crate full of nothing but packing peanuts. Absolutely nothing.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk dives into the sea of packing peanuts.
14. Nope. Just peanuts. That seems odd somehow. Perhaps even foreboding.
15. It reminds me of that time on Iceurtle…
16. XSP AutoTweet – More boxes arrive. Dirk has begun cataloguing his order meticulously.
17. They forgot my grenades! What sort of fly by night operation am I dealing with here! And where’s the titanium specimen cages! 18. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk continues to catalogue his gear stopping only for a light dinner of a T-bone steak, fries, and a chocolate shake.
19. I would think that if you keep blipping out dribble like that people will tune out. No one cares what I have for dinner.
20. XSP AutoTweet – On the contrary, Sir, Twitter’s veins pulse with such astute observations about everyday life.
21. XSP AutoTweet – That and celebrity ramblings about which nose they want to have.
22. Well, I’ve finished cataloguing the equipment and believe I’ll call it a day.
23. Only a few more days until I begin my journey to Reptiliton. Still wonder what was supposed to be in the crate of peanuts.
24. XSP AutoTweet – Perhaps your grenades, Sir?
25. Grrrr

Day 03

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. I watch the sun rise and a single tear streams down my face.
3. Wait, it wasn’t a tear. It was just the sweat of my brow. That happens when you run 10 miles every morning.
4. XSP AutoTweet – And apparently the sweat of every other part of you, too.
5. Off to take a shower and then back to work.
6. XSP AutoTweet – Please be sure to leave me outside the bathroom this time, Sir.
7. What’s the matter? Your super, fancy-schmantzy shiny metal parts don’t take well to water?
8. XSP AutoTweet – Uh…yes, Sir. That’s it.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk sits down amongst the pile of shiny new equipment he will be taking to Reptiliton. This is his final check. 10. You never know when a portable colon scanner can come in handy. You know…to find probes.
11. Always be sure to take a high density mirror with you. Laser eyes are surprisingly common amongst giant monsters.
12. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk holds up a long, pink, feather boa. Uh, Sir?
13. And don’t tell me you don’t know what this is for?
14. If you are climbing something with a nose, you use the feathers to tickle out a sneeze that rockets you
right off the beast to safety.
15. Found that out the one time I let a woman come on one of my expeditions.
16. XSP AutoTweet – Margaret, Sir? 17. …I don’t want to talk about it.
18. If you have a piece of gear that has a bright red pull tag, never pull it unless you’re going to die. You never know what it will do. 19. Never trust a piece of gear with “HD” in the title. Usually it’s just overcompensating for something.
20. XSP AutoTweet – Warning – 10% battery remaining. Please charge me.
|21. But there is a lot more gear to go through here. I have so much more wisdom to give about each piece.
22. XSP AutoTweet – Warning – 2% battery remaining.
23. Now wait just a minute, there. You were just at ten percent//////
24. XSP AutoTweet – Powering down. (You can thank me later.)

Day 04

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. Skipping breakfast is like helping a Nigerian prince. You just don’t do it.
3. That guy who tried to climb Serpentstein skipped breakfast, and look what happened. They’re still finding
pieces of him in Canada.
4. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk eats a bowl of sugary cereal and moves into his study. Breakfast of Champions my motherboard.
5. I need to study up on all the known facts about Reptiliton before we head out next week.
6. You have to know what you’re up against before you climb or you will wind up squashed like a june bug in July.
7. XSP AutoTweet – I have a model number, you know. Name: Reptiliton. Location: Mid-Atlantic. Last known
date of activity: 02-14-1959.
8. Ah, yes: the Valentine’s Day Squashacre. Oddly enough, I bet you there were some guys actually relived
by giant monster attack that day.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Reptiliton Origin: Unknown. Strengths: Molecule Smasher Breath, Tsunami Tail, Train Crushing Jaw,
Razor-like Dorsal Spines
10. I’ve seen worse.
11. XSP AutoTweet – Hypersonic Speed (in water), Impenetrable Skin, and Laser Eyes.
12. Why does every bloody monster have laser eyes? I ask you. It’s creationism by Pink Floyd.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Weaknesses: NONE.
14. You can find anything’s weakness as long as you’re willing to die to do it.
15. XSP AutoTweet – For more information on Reptiliton, please visit www.monsterclimber.com .
16. Now I’m starting to get excited. This will be my greatest expedition yet! The open sea and a monster island.
17. XSP AutoTweet – From my projections, it is likely to be your last expedition. Sir, should we really be doing this?
18. That overgrown salamander has been snoozing out there for the last 50 years. I doubt it will be waking up sometime next week. 19. In those 50 years, an entire eco system has developed because of its radiation.
A living island for us to study untouched by man.
20. XSP AutoTweet – And perhaps for good reason. Sir, even if you succeed, it won’t bring him back.
21. I think we’re done for today.
22. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, I didn’t mean to ---POWERING DOWN.

Day 05

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. If monsters weren’t made for climbing, then why did God make them so big?
3. Today we begin to move all of the gear into my specially designed helicopter, Dirk
4. A lot of work. 4. XSP AutoTweet – But, Sir, don’t you hire movers?
5. The plan is simple, I will pilot Dirk 4 as close as possible to Reptiliton, at which time, the autopilot will take over as I lower myself 6. Ridiculous tweet limit. As I was saying, I will lower myself onto Reptiliton and begin studying it.
7. XSP AutoTweet – Incoming call from Gen. Hornhowser. Call accepted. Dirk speaking to General.
8. XSP AutoTweet – Call ended.
9. Just finished a call with Gen. Hornhowser. Great guy, but pretty lousy bowler.
10. The General sends his best wishes and full support for the expedition.
11. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Gen: You are under no circumstances to approach Reptiliton. Dirk: But, General I know I 12. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Gen: We can’t afford to have you going off half cocked.
Remember Tibet? Dirk: ah, Super Yeti
13. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Gen: Do you also remember how you almost squished the Dalai Lama?
Dirk: He shouldn’t have been there.
14. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Gen: It stepped on his hut; China still won’t let you near their borders. Because you $#*%^$@!
15. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Gen: %#$%^& !^#$%##$%$ you stupid ^%$%^^$#$ destroyed %!$&@#$# monks!
16. XSP AutoTweet – Phone Transcript: Dirk: That was just a fluke. Gen:If you come within 100miles of Reptiliton I swear I will
17. XSP AutoTweet – Conversation terminated. End of transcript.
18. Maybe the General will have a parade in our honor once we get back with our findings.
19. XSP AutoTweet – Incoming call from Gen. Hornhowser. Call ignored.
20. I think we’ll have to end the tweeting early today. We’ve got a lot of packing to do. We need to focus.
21. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, should I playback the Voice Mail the General just left for you. It’s quite colorful.
22. No need to play back the message.
23. XSP AutoTweet – I never new one word could be used as so many parts of speech. And such good diction.
24. Good night.

Week 02 Day 01

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. The course is charted. The helicopter is gassed up. The gear is stowed. The red kerchief is on. Today is going to be a good day. 3. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, apparently the FAA has revoked your flight clearance for the day.
4. What? I have never had my flight clearance revoked. Not even after Halverstram 2 took out that office park. Who did this?
5. XSP AutoTweet – It appears it was Gen Hornhowser, Sir.
6. HORNHOWSER!!!!! There’s no way that lily-livered politician is going to stop this expedition. Change in plans. We leave now.
7. XSP AutoTweet – Sir?
8. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk makes final preparations for take off. With one last look in the shop mirror to straighten his hat, he is off to the helipad.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Wait, he’s not off to the helipad… we’re off to the helipad. Dirk, I don’t want to die!
10. You worry too much for a gadget. Just think of death as involuntary recycling. Besides, I’m sure you’d make a great calculator. 11. XSP AutoTweet – Not too big on consoling are you?
12. Nope. In the end, it doesn’t get you a whole hill of beans just some tear stained shirts.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk makes his final flight check. All systems appear normal.
14. What do ya say we tick off the FAA just a little bit?
15. XSP AutoTweet – The giant helicopter engines start, and the metallic behemoth rises into the sky like some great dragon.
16. Huh. Pretty poetic for an overgrown pager.
17. XSP AutoTweet – 3 hours flight time. All appears normal.
18. I always find flying to a climb to be equal parts calm and excitement. An Arnold Palmer of emotions.
19. XSP AutoTweet – The proximity alarm sounds! What’s that!?!
20. Well, what’ya know. Looks like Gen. Hornhowser sent us an escort after all. I knew he’d
21. XSP AutoTweet – MACHINE GUN FIRE EXPLODES OUTSIDE THE CABIN!!! WE’RE HIT!
22. Or maybe not. Not to worry. I had this baby outfitted with Mecha-Armadillo’s robotic hide once the rust got to him.
Only a missile could
23. ALARM Warning incoming missiles. ALARM
24. How many?
|25. ALARM Four confirmed incoming missiles. ALARM
26. Hmmm. Now I am becoming concerned.
27. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, I think the General is trying to kill you.
28. What ever do you mean? I thought this was just his way of showing his support.
29. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk banks the helicopter 90 degrees. Gear falls everywhere. The missiles pass 3 inches from
the helicopter’s bottom.
30. XSP AutoTweet – The missiles continue onward…then turn around and come RIGHT BACK AT HELICOPTER!
31. Now that’s new. At least Hornhowser is firing the expensive missiles at us.
32. >>> Missile impact in 5 seconds <<<
33. Hey, phone?
34. >>> Missle impact in 4 <<<
35. XSP AutoTweet – Yes, Sir?
36. >>> Missile impact in 3 <<<
37. Are you waterproof?
38. >>> Missle impact in 2 <<<
39. XSP AutoTweet – WHAT!?!
40. >>> Missile impact in 1 <<<
41. Just checking.
42. SSSSSSSSSSSXXXXXXXXXXZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTT-------
43. -- connection lost –

Day 02

1. ZZZZXSP AutoTTTTweet - Begin TwTwTwitter stream for Dr. Dirk rk rk Halverstram: Monster Climber. ZZTTTTT
2. Phone can you hear me? I think I got most of the water out of ya.
3. XSP AutoTweet – Yes. I appear to be operational. Where are we? My GPS unit has been disabled.
4. Best I can figure, we were about 20 miles from Reptiliton before we had our little accident.
5. XSP AutoTweet – Accident! Sir, we were shot down by fighter jets. How do you call that an ZZZTTTTSTZTZTZTZTT.
6. Easy there Mr. Spark McZappy. It’s all part of the job. But you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as I get my
hands on Hornhowser
7. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk slams his fist down on the makeshift raft made of various equipment crates and twine.
8. Always pack a ball of twine. You only use bungy chords if you’re lookin’ to loose an eye.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk lies on his back and covers his face with his worn hat. As the sun beats down, a plan is forming.
10. XSP AutoTweet – Change that. Dirk is apparently taking a nap. HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!!!
11. Until I figure out how to get this little loveboat mobile, there’s no point dwellin’ about the fact we were blown out of the sky.
12. Or that we don’t have enough food, water or, in your case, batteries to last us more than two days or so.
13. Or the fact that we are only a couple miles from a giant irradiated monster.
14. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk drifts off to a snore-filled sleep. I swear I don’t understand humans.
15. XSP Entering Stand-By Mode.
16. XSP motion sensor activated – Sir, please stop shaking me.
17. Just wanted to make sure you were awake. Activated. Whatever. I’ve come up with a plan. This.
18. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk holds up a small, battery operated fan.
19. We use this as a motor, and we just power ourselves right on over to Reptiliton.
20. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk mounts the fan to the makeshift raft and turns it on. We begin to make our way to Reptiliton. 1 inch
at a time.
21. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, by my calculations, it will take us a week and a half to arrive at Reptiliton.
22. Patience there, Speedy. Reptiliton isn’t going anywhere.
23. XSP AutoTweet – Yes, but we only have enough supplies to survive 2 days.
24. Hmmm. For some reason I thought this fan had some more kick to it.
25. XSP AutoTweet – Should I power down to conserve energy, Sir.
26. You can if you like, but I’m keeping watch. This reminds of the time I was in the Amazon camping out on the back
of Slitheriss. He
27. XSP Entering Stand-By Mode.

Day 03

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. Boy it’s hot as Hades out here. Not as bad as Arizona, but pretty darn close.
3. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk checks the makeshift propeller, then pops the top off one of the crates that make up the floor.
4. Hey, what do ya know? There’s my grenades! Somebody packed them in with the emergency cupcake stash.
5. Always keep an emergency cupcake stash. Cakes are just too big to carry when your ½ way up some slobbering behemoth.
6. XSP AutoTweet – After a healthy cupcake breakfast, Dirk freshens up for the day by applying liberal amounts of Old Spice II.
7. I consider Old Spice II to be the pinnacle of men’s fragransic science. Granted, it is outlawed everywhere but Moroco.
8. Don’t know why. Something about it being two pheromones away from a chemical weapon. Doesn’t bother me.
9. My manly musk is an absolute must.
10. XSP AutoTweet – Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Pitchman.
11. I thought we had ourselves a discussion about the color commentary.
12. XSP AutoTweet – Seconds turn to minutes. Minutes to hours. All is silent except for the waves and the minifan pushing
the raft.
13. Boy, what I wouldn’t give for some yarn and fabric squares right about now.
14. XSP AutoTweet – Sir?
15. Oh, uh, nothing. Don’t tweet that.
16. XSP AutoTweet – Sorry, Sir. My tweets of your ramblings are instantaneous.
17. Dang it. How is a man supposed to think out loud when you go tweeting everything he says?
18. XSP AutoTweet – You could try an inner monologue, Sir.
19. And what do you mean by rambling!?
20. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk turns away and stares out at the never ending ocean.
21. XSP AutoTweet – More hours flow by. Dirk has been strangely silent.
22. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, is everything all right.
23. Oh, what’s that now? Too quiet for you? No ramblings to report? Everything is fine, Phone.
24. I’ve just been practicing the whole “inner monologue” thing, and let me tell you, it’s great.
25. I just spent the last hour thinking about how many times I can skip you across the water when your battery dies.
26. XSP AutoTweet – Ok, I’m sorry. I did not mean to offend you. I think all this water has me a little frazzled.
27. Apology accepted…for now.
28. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk pops open more cases and makes a mental inventory of their contents.
29. If we’re lucky some of the other crates may float our way. I don’t have high hopes for the armored ATV though.
30. XSP AutoTweet – A single tear makes its way down Dirks chiseled jaw. Sir, are you crying?
31. NO. It’s just…I designed that ATV myself. It was monster proof. You could drop that thing off of Fing Fang Foul,
and it would survive.
32. XSP AutoTweet – It didn’t float too well, did it.
33. Of course not, it had 18 layers of bioorganic armor. SNIFF It was beautiful.
34. 3 titanium trap launchers, laser guided tagging beacons, 4 can cooler. It was…It was…
35. HORNHOWSER!!!!!!!
36. XSP AutoTweet – It is a cry to heaven and Washington D.C. It is goes unheard, but not un-tweeted.
37. Maybe. SNIFF Maybe we should call it a day for you. Save your batteries and all.
38. XSP AutoTweet – Alright, Sir. 39. XSP AutoTweet – As I shut down, Dirk once again looks out over the water.
As my final circuit cools, I think I hear the faintest sob…

Day 04

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk finishes his breakfast of 1/8th cupcake and 2 gulps of water.
3. Now this is just plain silly.
4. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk grabs a grenade, pulls the pin, and plops it into the water. What are you doing?
5. What does it look like? I’m fishin’.
6. XSP AutoTweet – There is a large explosion. Water shoots high into the air. Slowly, fish bob to the surface.
7. I’m not really a seafood guy, but we really need to conserve our cupcake supply.
8. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk scoops up the fish on board. One-by-one, he looks at them, shakes his head, and throws them back
into the sea.
9. Dang it. Well…I guess I should’ve known better. The whole darn sea here’s been contaminated.
10. XSP AutoTweet – What do you mean, Sir?
11. I mean that most flounders don’t have 4 eyes and a stinger. Although, this one does smell like butterscotch.
12. Basically over the last 50 years of Reptiliton floating out here is radiation and other genetic leftovers have leached
into the water.
13. I can’t be sure about how bad it is, but right now, it’s looking like we are firmly out of fish stick territory.
14. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk examines more of the fish.
15. Look, this one’s got a Burt Reynold’s mustache! And this guy, well, he’s decided to grow himself some legs.
16. Somebody should have told this bug-eyed bloater that polka dots aren’t exactly camouflage.
17. XSP AutoTweet – The sun moves in its ancient arc from East to West. Slowly, we bake in its rays.
18. You know. I am so bored that I think I can feel my stubble growing.
19. XSP AutoTweet – More hours. Another cupcake crumb lunch. 2 more swigs of water.
20. Phone, in your font of knowledge you call a hard drive, can you calculate something for me?
21. XSP AutoTweet – Of course, Sir. What would you like me to calculate? Survival rate? Odds of being rescued? Lucky number? 22. How long before lack of food causes someone to start seeing inanimate objects turn into cheeseburgers and milkshakes?
23. XSP AutoTweet – Sir?
24. I’m just saying…you are about the right size for a small t-bone. Maybe NY strip.
25. XSP AutoTweet – Perhaps it is a good time to rest, Sir. I believe my batteries are starting to run low.
26. XSP AutoTweet – Powering down…and activating emergency shock protection system. This t-bone bites back.

Day 05

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. XSP AutoTweet – The sun rises and fills the sky with its morning fire. Dirk stares into the distance. Silent.
3. If you could stop waxing poetic for a second and turn on your proximity sensor, I would be much obliged.
4. XSP AutoTweet – Scanning. Scanning. 3 life forms detected. Species: Unknown.
5. I spotted ‘em last night. Lucky for us it was a full moon. See ‘em. Those three rather large fins near the horizon.
6. XSP AutoTweet – Sharks, Sir?
7. The fins are too big to be your average shark. Something tells me the butterscotch fish has some big brothers.
8. They keep circling and get a little closer each time. I think its time we get ourselves prepared.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk pulls out his bottle of Old Spice II and applies liberally.
10. XSP AutoTweet – Prepare for what, Sir?
11. Prepare to show them what happens when you try to snack on Dirk Halverstram.
12. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk begins to rummage through the crates for something to use as a weapon. The creatures circle closer. 13. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk uses one of titanium cage rods and the battery from the portable colon scanner to form a…a…
14. I’m calling it a shock stick. One of those things get close enough, he gets a zap right in the kisser.
15. XSP AutoTweet – But, Sir, they will need to be within 3 feet in order for you to reach them. Isn’t that a little
16. Close, yes. And that’s how I like it. Staring down death right in its scaly eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.
17. XSP AutoTweet – Well, Quint, it looks like you’re going to get your chance…LOOK!!!
18. XSP AutoTweet – One of the creatures large dorsal fins turn suddenly towards the raft. It charges.
19. Steady…
20. XSP AutoTweet – It closes in on us like a freight train. Hey, wait a minute, could that battery have charged me?
21. Not now, Phone.
22. XSP AutoTweet – The creature is 20 yards. 10. 3 yards. Then…it submerges?
23. Hmmm. Maybe it changed its mind. For some reason, I don’t think its going to be that
24. XSP AutoTweet – The creature bursts out of the water in a spray of mist and slams onto the raft with a sloppy thud!
25. XSP AutoTweet – It’s a shark, or it used to be. The size of a large great white, its snout is covered in long,
hooked squid tentacles.
26. Why are their always tentacles!!!!
27. XSP AutoTweet – The creature flails out tentacles in all directions. Dirk slashes at it with the zap stick. He can’t get a clear shot. 28. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk continues to fight. Tentacles are hacked off left and right. Calamari from hell.
29. I need a shot at its mouth…WOAH!
30. XSP AutoTweet – A tentacle wraps around Dirk’s leg. It pulls him towards the gnashing, razor like jaws. Where’s the stick!?!
31. I can’t reach it!!!
32. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk holds on to any open plank he can find. The tentacles tightens, twisting him closer and closer.
33. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk throws out a hand and reaches…reaches…I can’t see for what!
34. XSP AutoTweet – Smiling, Dirk lets go of the plank!!!! He slides towards a certain crunching! Dirk NO!!!
35. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk shoots out his legs and plants himself on the jaws of the monster!
36. XSP AutoTweet - It thrashes madly, but he remains balanced in a painful split like so many a cartoon character before him.
37. XSP AutoTweet – The creatures massive tongue slides its way around Dirk’s leg.
38. I just wanted to let you know…
39. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk pulls the pin on a concealed grenade!
40. this ain’t no cupcake.
41. XSP AutoTweet – In one movement, Dirk throws the grenade into the creature’s mouth and spin kicks it closed.
42. XSP AutoTweet – It squeals in pain as its purple tongue flops around on the slime spattered wood of the raft.
43. XSP AutoTweet – It retreats off the side and…oh, wait a minute…
44. XSP AutoTweet – KABLOOEY!!!!
45. XSP AutoTweet – Salty sea water and mutant fish guts fall all around us. In the distance, the two other creatures retreat.
46. Well, what do ya know. That does work outside of the monster movies.
47. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk plops to the deck and regains his composure. The rush of battle leaving him.
48. XSP AutoTweet – On the deck, the purple tongue slowly inches its way to the now spilled bottle of Old Spice II
49. Hmmm. Now that IS interesting.
50. XSP AutoTweet – Initiating internal drying procedure. Powering down.

Week 03 Day 01

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber.
2. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk continues to study the tongue left by a rather unwelcome guest. Still no signs of the other creatures.
3. Oh they’ll be back. Once they figure out that despite Larry’s little accident, they may actually succeed at getting lunch.
4. XSP AutoTweet – Who’s Larry?
5. I’m trapped on a junkyard raft in the middle of the Atlantic slowly dying of thirst and starvation. Can’t I have this one thing?
6. As I was saying, the specimen…Larry, although merely a tongue appears to have some qualities of a starfish.
7. With sufficient time, it might even form an entirely new copy of a squark.
8. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk lowers the squark tongue into a Lucite specimen jar.
9. Until I can get some proper equipment, Larry is just going to have to hang out here. Hey, how did that hippopotamus get out here?
10. And where did he find that lovely tea pot?
11. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk passes out from exhaustion, dehydration, and starvation. A quick scan reveals he’s alive.
12. XSP AutoTweet – Entering stand-by mode to conserve what little battery I have left.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Sonic sensor activated.
14. I know, Larry, I know. I know he doesn’t like you, but that’s no reason to throw him
15. XSP AutoTweet – I activate to find Dirk holding a conversation with the severed tongue. Even odder, I think it is responding to him…
16. Oh, hey, Phone. How are you? Did you have a good stand-by or whatever you call it?
17. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, are you talking to the tongue?
18. What1?! No, no. How silly would that be! Talking to a tongue… No, Larry, I know he doesn’t understand.
19. XSP AutoTweet – Sir?
20. You know what Phone. Why don’t you just head off into stand-by land? I don’t think there’s much else to tweet today.
21. XSP AutoTweet – I know I should argue but he looks at me with crazy crawling into his eyes. They BOTH look at me.
22. XSP AutoTweet – Entering stand-by mode…with shock protection activated.

Day 02

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster WHAAA?
2. Good morning…Phone.
3. XSP AutoTweet – I activate to find that “Larry” has been placed right next to me. Still twitching. Still…watching?
4. Did you have a nice rest? All recharged? Well, I guess you aren’t are you. Woo AH HA HA.
5. XSP AutoTweet – That laugh. I believe Dirk is beginning to snap.
6. Well, I have. Larry told me how. Larry’s real smart. Almost as smart as Dirk.
7. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk peels off one of the now sundried squark tentacles and eats it like a potato chip. What are you doing!
8. Larry says this will keep me well. And the colors are amazing!!!!
9. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk, you need to snap out of it. You’re starting to hallucinate!
10. Larry said you wouldn’t understand. Larry said you’re just jealous because you’re not alive like us.
11. XSP AutoTweet – First, Larry is just a wriggling disembodied tongue. Second, I don’t think you’re well.
12. Oh, I’m fine, Phone. Just a little starving, dehydrated, and tired but besides that, I’m right as rain.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk stands on his sea legs and slowly moves towards me. His grin…I don’t like his grin.
14. It looks like you got some slime on you there, Phone. Maybe you need to take a little bath…
15. XSP AutoTweet – I have to think of something to snap him out of this. But what is powerful enough to do it?
16. Plop, plop, goes the little wiseguy phone. Plop, plop.
17. XSP AutoTweet – Wait! Dirk – My smell sensors detect something missing. Have you applied Old Spice II today?
18. Why, no. No I haven’t.
19. XSP AutoTweet – Before you toss me into the drink, maybe you should give it a little splash.
20. XSP AutoTweet – Remember, your manly musk is a must?
21. You know, Larry, Phone is right. How could I forget something like that?
22. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk moves to the compartment with the Old Spice II. He pulls out the bottle…my last chance.
23. XSP AutoTweet – He opens it and the smell slaps him in the face. He splashes it on. Slowly, I see the real Dirk come back.
24. Nothing helps clear the senses like Old Spice II. Hey Phone, why are you standing next to that tongue?
25. XSP AutoTweet – Don’t you mean “Larry”?
26. Why would you call a piece of bitten-off tongue Larry? It’s just WHOA!!!
27. XSP AutoTweet – Larry, I mean, the tongue springs from the jar at Dirk. It misses its mark and knocks the Old Spice from Dirk’s hand.
28. Maybe it didn’t miss. Look.
29. XSP AutoTweet – The tongue flops around in the pool of…Old Spice II.
30. Exactly, it’s what drew the squarks to us in the first place. Probably those two extra pheromones.
31. It also gives me an idea.
32. XSP AutoTweet – Powering Down

Day 03

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. XSP AutoTweet – I activate to find Dirk hard at work building…uh…Sir, what are you building?
3. Morning, Phone. I’m building our ticket out of here. Or at least to Reptiliton.
4. Two things struck me yesterday. The first being that the squarks may have attacked due to my Old Spice II.
5. The second being that, although the Old Spice II may have enticed them initially, there’s no way they would miss out trying to eat me.
6. XSP AutoTweet – You are like a finely roasted ham.
7. I will choose to ignore that. Taking these two observations together, I believe I can trick them with these.
8. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk holds up two scarecrows like dummies made of some spare shirts and pants on two titanium rods.
9. XSP AutoTweet – I don’t understand, Sir.
10. Don’t worry you will. We make our move at lunch time.
11. XSP AutoTweet – Sir, you do seem to have regained some of your strength back. Did you find more cupcakes.
12. No. Let’s just say that Larry had some other, albeit horrible tasting, uses.
13. XSP AutoTweet – But…you…the effects..they
14. Old Spice II has some other intersecting culinary uses as well.
15. XSP AutoTweet – The sun rises to its apex in the sky. High noon-ish. Lunch time.
16. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk soaks each of the dummies with OS II and holds them in the water on opposite sides of the raft.
17. Here, squarky, squarky, squarky. Got some nice filet of Dirk for ya.
18. XSP AutoTweet – Almost immediately, the two squarks appear on the horizon. Their massive fins cut through the water right towards us.
19. Just so you know, if they don’t go to opposite sides of the boat, we may have a little problem.
20. XSP AutoTweet – How so?
21. Well, my whole plan is based on that assumption with no scientific reason. Call it adventurer’s gut.
22. XSP AutoTweet – The squarks speed at us. Their powerful tentacles shoot out, pulling everything towards their gaping mouths.
23. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk makes the dummies splash about in the water with more intensity.
24. Come on you over grown guppies. My arms are getting tired.
25. XSP AutoTweet – The squarks are a few yards away and closing fast. They---------
26. Satellite connection lost. Please try your call again later.

Day 04

1. Satellite connection established. Thank you for your patience.
2. XSP AutoTweet – The squarks are almost on us now with no signs of attacking both sides of the raft. Dirk!?!
3. I know.
4. XSP AutoTweet – They’re not splitting up!
5. I KNOW!
6. XSP AutoTweet – One of the squarks accelerates and leaps out of the water. It sails silently towards Dirk’s head.
7. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk ducks and uses one of the dummies to pole vault the squark to the opposite side of the raft.
8. Hey, what do ya know?
9. XSP AutoTweet – DIRK! The second squark slams into the raft. Dirk holds his balance. The squark begins to tear into the crates.
10. That’s my good gear you tentacle-nosed son of a
11. XSP AutoTweet – The second squark lashes out its tentacles at Dirk. They miss, but not before their barbs tear dirk’s shirt.
12. Alright, that’s it!
13. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk bonks both of the squarks on their noggins. This gets their attention.
14. XSP AutoTweet – They both tear into the dummies like a dog with their favorite chew toy.
15. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk uses all his strength to keep hold of the dummies. The squarks thrash this way and that. Dirk holds.
16. I think that’s revved them up enough don’t you?
17. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk lets go of the dummies and the two are torn apart by the squarks. He then grabs another titanium pole and…
18. XSP AutoTweet – And a bottle of Old Spice II. He pours the entire bottle onto himself. The musk is unfathomable. The squarks stop.
19. Are you ready for desserts?
20. XSP AutoTweet – Both squarks lunge at Dirk. Their tentacles flail every which way and then some.
21. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk doges and grabs and punches. It’s a furious spray of water, slime, and monster.
22. XSP AutoTweet – My sensors cannot penetrate the melee. I think this may be the end of Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
23. Don’t bet on it, circuit boy.
24. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk steps out of the mist both triumphant and damp. Sir, if you’re here then who are they…
25. XSP AutoTweet – As the mist settles, I can finally see Dirk’s plan. In the center of the raft stands the titanium pole.
26. XSP AutoTweet – Tied around the pole in knots no sailor could undo are the squarks tentacles. They try and pull free but can’t.
27. And now for that final touch.
28. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk unfolds a collapsible fishing rod with an OS II soaked shirt dangling from it. He holds it in front of the raft.
29. XSP AutoTweet – The squarks immediately begin to swim towards the rag and pull the raft at frightening speed with it.
30. My dear, phone, I give you our new motor. 200 squarkpower. These two calamariheads should get us to Reptiliton by morning.
31. XSP AutoTweet – With my battery nearly depleted from today’s activities, I enter standby mode.
32. Make sure you tweet about how smart my plans was and how I socked the two of ‘em in the eye for good measure.
33. XSP AutoTweet – Yes, Sir. – Entering standby mode.

Day 05

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. Phone. Phone. Activate you 8bit excuse for a smart phone.
3. I think you want to start recording data right about now.
4. XSP AutoTweet – as my visual sensors come online I register that we are in a large fog bank. We continue to move full squark ahead.
5. To most people a fog like this may seem unnatural and even spooky. To me, it’s a sign that we’re coming to the end of our journey.
6. But we’re going to only begin our adventure.
7. XSP AutoTweet – My sensors indicate that the mist is highly ionized.
8. A side effect from Reptiliton’s radiation no doubt. Fairly common with these types of monsters. Helps hide the zippers.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Sir?
10. A joke. Sheesh. Remind me to have the nephew buy you a funny bone app when we get back.
11. I haven’t seen fog this thick since Cloudjira. Couldn’t really climb that one.
12. XSP AutoTweet – Are you sure it wasn’t just a cloud?
13. I’m still waiting on the sample results.
14. XSP AutoTweet – After what seems like an eternity in the fog, we begin to see the first rays of sunlight breaking through.
15. XSP AutoTweet – We break through the fog. Dirk moves to the front of the raft. He is like a child at a Christmas display window.
16. There he is…Reptiliton.
17. XSP AutoTweet – Before is the living island. From this distance its beaches appear to be black sand.
18. XSP AutoTweet – The island is covered in a lush and alien forest of trees and what appear to be giant ferns.
19. 50 years of untouched, unstudied, heck, unseen growth. Amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it. And that’s saying a lot.
20. I had to live up a creature’s nose for two weeks for crying out loud.
21. XSP AutoTweet – One might be fooled into thinking this some mythic paradise. Some resort full of mud baths and massages.
22. XSP AutoTweet – But you only need to look up to be brought back to reality.
23. XSP AutoTweet – At the heart of the island stand a range of mountains with sharp and perilous peaks. But these are not mountains…
24. XSP AutoTweet – They are fins.
25. XSP AutoTweet – They----- Battery depleted. Shutting down.

Week 04 Day 01

1. XSP Battery 10%
2. XSP Battery 20%
3. XSP Battery 30%
4. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
5. Boy, Phone, that’s the second time I’ve had to save your patootie and we only got to the island yesterday.
6. XSP AutoTweet - You found the spare batteries?
7. Nope. I did you one better. I made you a solar panel out of some mylar blankets.
8. XSP AutoTweet - But that…that should be impossible.
9. Hey, just because I don’t know much about fancy gadgets like you doesn’t mean I don’t know something
about electrical engineering.
10. XSP AutoTweet - Thank you, Sir.
11. Don’t mention it. Besides, if I don’t get you back home my nephew is going to get hit with some hefty penalty fees.
12. XSP AutoTweet - The beach appears to not to be made of black sand as original expected.
13. These are all the shells of various invertebrates that decided to camp on Reptiliton here and died off.
14. Although they appear small, these creatures are normally unable to be seen by the naked eye. Guess this is
an island of biguns too.
15. XSP AutoTweet - “Biguns”, sir?
16. In my years of climbing monsters, they usually change the environment around them in one way or the other. You have
3 basic types.
17. Biguns are when a monster causes other plants & animals nearby to grow larger than normal, but not so big as to be
a new giant monster.
18. Second are Freakombos – This is when other creatures start mixing and matching DNA into, well, freaky combos.
Like the squarks.
19. XSP AutoTweet - So Reptiliton has covered 66% of your scale so far.
20. You better believe it. That’s why I wanted to come here.
21. XSP AutoTweet - What is the third category?
22. Oh, that’s the one I hate the most. The Smartypants. That’s when a monster causes other creatures to develop
super intelligence.
23. That’s the worst. Have you ever been attacked by a tribe of hyper intelligent beavers? Trust me, you don’t want to know.
24. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, if it is ok with you, I would like to shut down so that my battery may replenish faster.
25. Be my guest. I think the rest of my day is going to be spent combing the beach for any more gear that might have
washed up.
26. XSP shutting down.

Day 02

1. XSP Battery 100%
2. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
3. XSP AutoTweet - Morning breaks on the mysterious living island. Fully charged I scan the beach for Dirk and WOAH!!
4. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk sits near a smoldering campfire sorting through equipment. His face looks like it went 10 rounds with Mohammad Ali.
5. In searching for both gear and breakfast, I happened upon the oddest crab-like creature I have ever seen.
6. It was about the size of Chihuahua with pretty beefy looking legs. I started after it thinking that it was a runner.
7. It turns out it is a fairly evolved jumper. Suddenly, I found myself being attacked by Kung-Fu crustacean.
8. Its claws struck me again and again, but I was finally able to over come it. It didn’t jump so well with a rock on its noggin.
9. Mighty tasty though.
10. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk finishes assessing what gear is salvageable. Despite the many crates that made up the raft, the pile is fairly small.
11. Well, the good news is we have the essentials: clothes, tent, medical supplies. However, lots of the fancy shmancy gadgets are toast.
12. Hope none of them were your buddies.
13. XSP AutoTweet - I knew the portable radar a little, but he kept talking in circles.
14. I’ve done most of my best work with a notebook and a couple of Bics. I’ll miss rockin’ Creedence on the ole walkman though.
15. What did I tell you, one of the pieces of equipment that’s in the worst shape? The Scent Finder HD. Overcompensating.
16. Again, another piece of fried electronics – Sonic Cannon…HD. Why? What does a sonic cannon have to do with television? 17. I doubt its sonic blast is any more HD than the next guy’s.
18. XSP AutoTweet - Actually, according to the manual it can focus its beam in a more defined point making it..HD.
19. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk aims the cannon and pulls the trigger. No sonic boom, just a trickle of sea water and plankton.
20. More like DD. Dribble Definition.
21. We’ll make camp again on the beach tonight. Tomorrow I want to move towards the tree line so we’re less exposed.
22. XSP AutoTweet - Are we sure that the forest is safe, Sir?
23. We’ll find out tomorrow, won’t we?

Day 03

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. Once again, I find yet another good use for twine.
3. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk finishes tying twine around my middle. Sir, I do assure you that my belt clip is sufficient enough to
4. Not where you’ll be going. Remember yesterday when I said I wanted to move camp to the tree line?
5. XSP AutoTweet - Of course. I can even play back the Twitter log if you like.
6. No thanks. Anywho, you were wondering if it was safe. So, I decided that we really should get some readings before
heading in there.
7. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I completely agree. However, my sensors do not have the range to WOAH!!!
8. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to swing me madly around in a circle over his head. With a war cry, I am launched through the air.
9. XSP AutoTweet - I sail for well over 100 yards. Twigs and branches attack from all sides. I land firmly within the tree line.
10. Do you think your sensors have enough range now?
11. XSP AutoTweet - (Somehow I know he’s smiling.) Yes, Sir. I will begin my scan now.
12. ---Scanning---
13. XSP AutoTweet - The plant life on this island is very peculiar. Although very large, much of it appears to be based
on ferns and sea weed.
14. XSP AutoTweet - So far I don’t detect any… Slowly I am yanked out of the brush. Dirk pulls me across the hot
black barnacle beach.
15. Find anything in there that would eat us?
16. XSP AutoTweet - I might have but you yanked me out of there too quickly. Listen I’m sure there is a better waaaaayyyyyy
17. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk once again tosses me into the green. I land hard in some kind of unknown goo.
18. XSP AutoTweet - I begin my scan again. Yes. Most appear to be fern or seaweed based. There’s something else though.
19. XSP AutoTweet - My analysis completed I find some interesting properties…as Dirk once again pulls me across the beach.
20. So, Phone. Still nothing with sharp teeth, fangs, suckers, webs, tentacles, probes, or horns?
21. XSP AutoTweet - No. The coast appears to be clear as you would say. Sir, I must protest what your little stunt has
done to my finish.
22. No time for philosophizing about property care and handling of a satellite phone. We need to make camp.
23. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk grabs a machete from the equipment and we head off to the forest. Sir, there is something
I have to tell you…
24. Not now, Phone. Ok, if past experience serves I should avoid cutting the red and purple plants as they will have acid for sap.
25. The green ones however should slice up like cucumbers on a summer salad.
26. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk takes a swing at the green plants. Immediately his blade begins to sizzle, steam, then
melts to a metal glob.
27. XSP AutoTweet - If you had let me finish I would have told you that on this island red and purple are good and green is bad,
28. I guess it makes sense considering that Reptiliton himself is of a greenish hue.
29. XSP AutoTweet - Enough. I’m shutting down and you can figure it out all by yourself.
30. Phone!?!
31. XSP AutoTweet – Good day! – Shutting down.

Day 04

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. XSP AutoTweet – I awaken to find that we are still on the beach. Dirk prepares a morning dinner of Jumping Crab.
3. XSP AutoTweet – Why, Sir, I do believe that we are NOT in the forest and still on the exposed beach. Hmmm.
How could this be?
4. Phone…
5. XSP AutoTweet – I expressly remember you heading off into the forest with the intention of making camp?
Did something go wrong?
6. Phone, knock it off. You know what happened.
7. XSP AutoTweet – Oh, no, do tell.
8. Fine. After the green plants melted my machete, I decided to try and stomp down a grove of yellow weed things I saw.
9. XSP AutoTweet – Yes….
10. Turns out they smell worse than skunks when you squash ‘em. So that was out. Then I found a patch of these pinkish ones…
11. XSP AutoTweet – te he he. Go on.
12. Those ones pretty much have super glue in their veins, so that was a mess. Lost a good shoe in there.
13. XSP AutoTweet – Why didn’t you just cut down the red and purple ones like I suggested?
14. Because, quite frankly, you seemed a little peeved at the whole tossing thing, so I thought you were setting me up.
15. XSP AutoTweet – Well, I never in all my…actually you were right. The red ones will make you itch worse than poison ivy.
16. XSP AutoTweet – And the purple ones have a good chance at making your hair fall out. But there is another way.
17. Well, what is it you little plastic harpy?
18. XSP AutoTweet – I believe and apology is in order.
19. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk shoots a look and then shakes his head. Under his breath he mumbles.
20. XSP AutoTweet – What was that? I couldn’t make it out and my audio sensors are world class.
21. I said, “I’m sorry to hurt your little pre-programmed feelings and can we please get to setting up camp!”
22. XSP AutoTweet – That will have to do, I guess. Here’s the trick – We need to cut them all down and mix them
together all at once.
23. And how do we do that without my machete?
24. XSP AutoTweet – Your good at finding big sticks aren’t you.
25. XSP AutoTweet – 2 hours of hacking later, the floor of our camp is complete.
26. Well, who would have known that by mixing all of those plant guts together you pretty much get asphalt.
27. XSP AutoTweet – You would have if you hadn’t treated me so callously. – Dirk doesn’t hear me as he walks back
to the beach for the gear.
28. XSP AutoTweet – Something has me a bit concerned however. The giant stick that Dirk used to cut down all the vegetation.
29. XSP AutoTweet - Don’t believe it was a stick at all. It seems to be a giant insect leg.
30. XSP AutoTweet Powering Down

Day 05

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. XSP AutoTweet – I activate to find Dirk making breakfast. I quickly scan the “stick” to confirm my theory.
3. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk, I believe that the stick you found yesterday –
4. Is a giant bug’s leg.
5. XSP AutoTweet – You knew?
6. Of course I knew! Why do you think I grabbed it? The little spines at the end make for a great, all natural weed-wacker.
7. XSP AutoTweet – And that doesn’t have you alarmed in the least? To know there could be a bug out there the size
of a Shetland pony?
8. Listen, I would much rather have a giant creepy crawly that has legs and antennas and such compared to
what else it could be.
9. Example: I was once climbing a giant mole in Egypt. How he got to Egypt and how I held on when he
went underground is a story for later.
10. Anywho, he had these kind of parasites that lived on. Mean things. Some kind of giant slug. They were nasty.
11. First, no matter how you would fight them, they would keep on regenerating like rabbits.
12. Next, they had these sticky tongues they would shoot out and nab you. Then they would suck you in like spaghetti.
13. Literally like spaghetti, slurping and all. One of the locals had his arm ripped clean out of socket just like pasta primavera.
14. XSP AutoTweet – If I had a stomach, I think it would be sick.
15. Either way, I’d rather duke it out with a giant cockroach vs. some mutant snail any day.
16. XSP AutoTweet – Throughout the day, Dirk begins to study the various plant life found with close proximity of camp.
17. It appears that seaweed definitely plays a large part in the island’s vegetation.
18. Reptiliton probably picked up most of it after all those centuries he spent in the deep ocean tranches.
19. You know, if I didn’t know better I would say that some of the plants exhibit some hints of more animal
like make-up. Interesting.
20. You should always watch out for a plant with no thorns. It may have something to hide.
21. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk works through most of the day studying and cataloging. All told, nothing too groundbreaking to
speak of. 22. Now hold your horses there, sparky. What do you call this little beauty?
23. XSP AutoTweet – Dirk holds out a mound of furry moss the color of pea soup.
24. Don’t just look at it. Smell it, or whatever it is you do.
25. XSP AutoTweet – Activating olfactory sensors. Well, that is something special.
26. Darn right. Bacon. This little, disgusting looking pile of forest fuzz smells and tastes just like bacon!
27. Those soy bean hacks back in the states will just die if we can get this back there in one piece.
28. XSP AutoTweet – Doesn’t sound like that is in the name of science, Sir.
29. You’re right. It’s in the name of mine and every other man’s stomach once he’s over 40. Bye, bye high
cholesterol. Hello Mossaicon!
30. XSP AutoTweet – And some light doses of radiation for added zip.
31. Well played, Phone. Well played.
32. XSP AutoTweet shutting down with a digital smile.

Week 05 Day 01

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk ------
2. Signal Lost
3. XSP AutoTweet - It appears that a sudden burst of radiation is causing ------
4. Signal Lost
5. ------ my radio to lose connection with ------
6. Phone we are on a giant radioactive lizard didn’t your designers know that you would be ------
7. Signal Lost
8. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe my designers thought the worst thing I might encounter would be a cramped pocket.
9. I swear I don’t know what you’re ------
10. XSP AutoTweet - I am disabling communications until the radiation passes. You should take precautions, Sir.
11. Why? Might get me a good tan.
12. ------ XSP Communications Disabled ------

Day 02

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. XSP AutoTweet - Dawn breaks over Reptiliton island. Mist hangs about us like ghostly curtains on empty windows. It
3. Are we in an adventure or some sort of Jane Austen novel?
4. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk is as eloquent as ever.
5. I’d like to see Mr. Darcy survive on the back of a Super Yeti for 7 days. No tea and crumpets on that climb I tell ya.
6. Today we head off into the jungle and the dangers that lie within. Dangers that could be, in fact, very, well, dangerous.
7. XSP AutoTweet - May I ask what you plan to use as protection?
8. Not to worry. I managed to get some of the “creature deterrents” up and running.
9. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk holds a long silver rifle covered in various tubes and wires.
10. This little guy is my own design. It fires charged plasma balls that burn through anything. Got the idea from the
Great Fire Squirrel.
11. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk next produces a handful of clear, plastic eggs filled with a glowing green substance.
12. These little puppies are pretty neat if I do say so myself. You toss ‘em, & when they break, the goo inside expands
1000 times in size.
13. Anything nearby gets stuck to the spot. You wanna know what I call them? Take a guess.
14. XSP AutoTweet - I doubt that I could guess, Sir.
15. Green eggs and BAM!
16. XSP AutoTweet - Bu Rum Ching
17. XSP AutoTweet - With the plasma rifle and the…uh…
18. Say it.
19. XSP AutoTweet - Green eggs and BAM! in hand, we move into the thickening jungle.
20. XSP AutoTweet - As we move deeper into the jungle, the air becomes thick with moisture.
21. If these plants are based on seaweed like you believe, it would make sense that they would need moisture to survive.
22. XSP AutoTweet - As we push on further, the clearing of the camp disappears. The great fern trees bend and sway around us.
23. That seems a little odd, don’t you think? Considering there isn’t a lick of wind today.
24. XSP AutoTweet - As the jungle thickens, my satellite reception fluctuates greatly.
25. I hope that doesn’t become a prob---- Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.

Day 03

1. Satellite signal restored.
2. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
3. Maybe I should have attached one of those old CB antennas to ya before we left.
4. XSP AutoTweet - I assure you, Sir, it would have no bearing on the current problem.
5. Maybe I have a wire clothes hangar and some tinfoil back at camp.
6. XSP AutoTweet - We push on. Dirk stops to take some soil samples.
7. The stuff that is acting as dirt on this island is ridiculously high in nutrients. Not unlike my victory garden back home.
8. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, how old did you say you were again?
9. Granted, the dirt in my garden is your standard old earth. This is made up of dead, formerly micro organisms.
Just like the beach.
10. In a way that makes all the plants on this island are just a tad carnivorous. Kind of like my cousin, Sally.
11. She tried going vegetarian, but that didn’t last too long. Now she just eats a lot of salads.
12. XSP AutoTweet - Sitting on the frond of a large fern, Dirk stops for lunch.
13. Luckily most of our food washed up on shore with us. Nothing makes you feel like home like a little PB+J.
14. And I threw in some of that jumpin’ crab meat to capture some of the local flavor.
15. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, can you compare this current expedition to any of your previous expeditions?
16. XSP AutoTweet - Its so the followers back home might be able to understand the trials and tribulations that you
are currently facing.
17. Did you think of that all by yourself or did the nephew make you ask?
18. XSP AutoTweet - He did give me some suggestions of topics that the internet readers may be interested in.
19. Or ones that he’s interested in. He’s always trying to get me to tell him about my expeditions, but I try not to brag.
20. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, you wrote 25 books including one titled “Monster Climbing: 100 Reasons Why My
Job Is Cooler Than Yours”
21. Well, that’s not bragging. That’s just a fine collection of facts presented in a collectible hardcover volume.
22. I actually think copies are still available at most bookstores nationwide.
23. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gathers his things and we continue on.
24. I want to get back to camp before dark, but I think we can keep on for a ways yet before doubling back.
25. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, my motion sensors are picking up movement in the trees overhead.
26. Is it my size or your size?
27. XSP AutoTweet - It is about my size, Sir.
28. Then we can ignore it. For some reason I don’t think I need to worry about something that could fit on my belt.
29. ------ Signal Lost ------

Day 04

1. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
2. I always loved the jungle. I guess it would be what the Garden of Eden might have been like.
3. XSP AutoTweet - Eden was a biologically unstable byproduct of a nearly indestructible monster?
4. (sigh) Yeah, at least in my dreams.
5. It looks like the sun is starting to set. We’ll start headin back to base camp. Unless you want to spend the night out here.
6. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I’m digital not crazy.
7. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk chuckles, and we begin to head back towards camp.
8. I had been hoping to spot some kind of wild life by now.
9. XSP AutoTweet - There were the squarks and the jumping crab, Sir.
10. Yeah, but they were kinda average on the scale of secondary critters one might find in a place like this.
11. Take SuperYeti for example. Near his lair was a tribe of super intelligent mountain goats.
12. Great bunch of creatures. They even picked up English from some of the local monks.
13. They would sit around philosophizing all day while drinking some of the best tea you ever had,
14. They had some amazing theories on space-time. Only problem was, when they disagreed they ended up butting heads.
15. Literally. They would slam into each other at top speed, forget everything they knew besides some math,
and they’d have to start over.
16. Still a fun bunch though.
17. XSP AutoTweet - We continue back to camp. Dirk begins to play with one of the green eggs and…you know.
18. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, is that wise? What if you drop it?
19. Never happen. My reflexes are like that of the Tiger or
20. XSP AutoTweet - A blur of movement as something leaps from one of the trees. It grabs the egg from Dirk’s hands.
21. What the…? 22. XSP AutoTweet - Standing directly in front of us is an odd creature, roughly my size.
23. XSP AutoTweet - It at one time was some sort of shrimp but has since developed into what more closely resembled a primate. 24. Looks like he evolved the curiosity to match.
25. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk slowly kneels down and moves to the creature.
26. Alright, now. Time to give Dirk back his egg bomb.
27. XSP AutoTweet - The creature studies Dirk with its little stalky eyes. Slowly, it moves to give Dirk the egg.
28. That’s a good little mutant. Just give it back to…
29. XSP AutoTweet - With a blink of its bulbous eyes, the creatures turns and runs back into the jungle.
30. Well. Guess that settles it. We’re going on a chase.
31. ------ Signal Lost ------

Day 05

1. ------ Satellite Connection Reestablished ------
2. XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
3. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk may be fast, but the shrimp monkey is a lot faster.
4. Why on this island are all crustaceans Olympic atheletes? I ask you.
5. XSP AutoTweet - The creature darts under the large ferns and up into the upper canopy.
6. XSP AutoTweet - It leaps from tree to tree with ease.
7. You know what? I think that thing is laughing at us!
8. XSP AutoTweet - It isn’t my egg bomb he has, Sir.
9. I told you, they’re called green eggs and BAM!
10. XSP AutoTweet - Up ahead there is suddenly an ear-piercing cry.
11. Sounds like the little guy got himself into a fix.
12. XSP AutoTweet - We burst through a wall of foliage to find the small creature in the viney clutches of a carnivorous plant.
13. XSP AutoTweet - The creature struggles, but is slowly pulled towards the immense snapping jaws of the plant.
14. No way that thing is going to eat my egg or that little shrimp monkey!
15. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pulls out the plasma gun. We expert precision, he shoots the vines holding the shrimp monkey.
16. XSP AutoTweet - The little creature falls and runs for shelter in the nearby bushes.
17. Now that’s gratitude for ya.
18. XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly the monster plant turns its attention to a more filling meal. It yanks the plasma gun
from Dirk’s hands.
19. XSP AutoTweet - It gulps it down with one swallow.
20. Oh, no you don’t.
21. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk runs directly at the monster’s gaping mouth. It recoils. Usually food doesn’t run towards it.
22. Open up there, Ugly.
23. XSP AutoTweet - The plant tries to push Dirk away, but he is relentless. He works his way to the pod and
punches clean through it.
24. Now where is it?
25. XSP AutoTweet - The wounded plant struggles as Dirk continues to feel around its stomach.
26. Ah, there you are.
27. XSP AutoTweet - With a flash of light, the plant explodes in a wave of green, potpourri scented sap. Dirk stands
triumphantly with his weapon.
28. I hate it when they have to go and eat a perfectly good weapon.
29. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk holsters the weapon. From under the bushes, the shrimp monkey slowly emerges. Frightened, but ok.
30. And now what do you want?
31. XSP AutoTweet - The creature slowly moves to Dirk and holds out something in its small hands. It’s the green egg.
32. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk smiles and takes the egg.
33. Thank you. I hope that you learned something from all of this.
34. XSP AutoTweet - Dirk puts the egg into his pocket and we head back to camp.
35. XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe that it is following us.
36. I know.
37. --------Signal Lost------------

Week 06 Day 01

XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Dawn breaks once more upon our camp. We have recently been joined by one of the denizens of Reptiliton island.
Shellby’s smart for a little shrimp mutant. He even figured out not to paw up my stuff.
XSP AutoTweet - That’s probably because the little guy got a few hundred volts when he licked your particle phase emitter.
I warned him. You heard me.
XSP AutoTweet - audio Playback “Hey, no. No! Bad Shellby! Shoo. Scat!” Not sure if he understood that.
XSP AutoTweet - The day continues on. Dirk works feverishly to write notes in a salvaged notebook despite my ability to dictate.
I want to make sure that the flavor of my observations are captured accurately.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I dictate exactly what you say word for word, syllable for syllable.
Yes, but sometimes I do not intone all that I mean. Hence the notebooks. Now let me have a minute to myself you plastic harpy.
XSP AutoTweet - As Dirk writes, Shellby plays in the center of camp. Using bits of twigs, he constructs a miniature monster plant.
XSP AutoTweet - He begins to do battle but is immediately caught in the play monster’s tentacles.
Will you knock it off. You’d think the real thing was bad enough.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk frees Shellby. Shellby mimics punching the plant monster just as Dirk had.
Sheesh. Everybody thinks they have a shot of the title. You’re too scrawny. Scraaawwwnnyyy.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby stands his ground.
Oh for Pete’s sake, here.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk grabs a few small twigs, twine, and a few sharp rocks.
You’re never going to win with your fists. You need some help.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk slowly assembles a miniature spear from the various pieces.
There you go. When fists won’t work, you can carry a big stick.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk hands the diminutive spear to Shellby and goes back to his note taking.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby puzzles at the spear for a moment and then attacks the toy monster with amazing agility.
XSP AutoTweet - Soon the toy menace is vanquished. Shellby stands triumphantly with his new weapon of choice.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby then runs off into the nearby forest and returns with an arm full of small twigs and rocks.
XSP AutoTweet - He sits next to Dirk at the collapsible table and begins to assembly his own little armory. Dirk smiles at this.
XSP AutoTweet - Are you happy that you have now taught this innocent creature the concept of war?
It’s not that. He just reminded me of something for a moment.
XSP AutoTweet - Is it about your..
Finish that statement and I will manually turn you off faster than fat kid eats cake. Got me?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, it is absolutely all right for someone that has experienced –
Engage XSP Manual Shut Down. I warned you.
------XSP Manual Shut Down Complete------

Day 02

------XSP Powering Up------
Darn it phone, power on already.
------Loading OS, please wait------
Quit messing around, I know you can boot instantly. You not running Windows.
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Someone invaded our camp last night.
XSP AutoTweet - Good morning to you to.
Listen, you wire wrangler, someone managed to enter our perimeter last night, and make off with two boxes of food.
XSP AutoTweet - What about Shellby?
He’s fine. He decided he likes to bunk in my tent on my dirty socks. But that’s not the point, how did you not scan an intruder?
XSP AutoTweet - All of my functions are completely disabled when I’m manually shut down. Everything but my core processor.
XSP AutoTweet - Do you know what that’s like!
Probably a lot like the time I was paralyzed by the saliva of Saskachasnail.
XSP AutoTweet - Well it…maybe, I guess.
Either way you can tell me on the way.
XPS AutoTweet - Where are we going?
We’re gonna track down the son-of-a-boglin that made off with my PB&J.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk grabs his plasma gun, some food, a sleeping bag, and his trusty knapsack.
XSP AutoTweet - As we begin to leave camp, we hear Shellby’s tale tell clickitycall.
XSP AutoTweet - We turn back to see the little creature with a pack of his home made spears slung inside one of Dirk’s old socks.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk you can’t let him come. He’s libel to get himself killed.
So are we, and it isn’t stopping us. Shellby can be our eye in the sky. Right little guy.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby nods and scampers up into a nearby tree.
XSP AutoTweet - Should I activate my pheromone tracker to find the trail?
Won’t work because of my Old Spice II. No need anyway. I have a pretty good feelin’ which way it went.
XSP AutoTweet - As Dirk spins around I can see the ragged path that something has cut on its way out of camp.
XSP AutoTweet - Something fairly large… You didn’t hear that!?!
Told ya before, I sleep like the dead minus the stiff part.
XSP AutoTweet - We move into the jungle where Dirk may finally get some Rigor mortis.
-----Signal Lost Please try your call again later.------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - We move further into the jungle. Whatever has raided our camp has a clear lead. One we may not be able to match.
You worry too much, Phone. We’re on an island. Worst-case scenario we have to track him a couple of miles to the other end.
XSP AutoTweet - Unless it can swim.
Now that’s just crazy talk. What kind jungle creature do you know that can swim like a fish?
XSP AutoTweet - As if in answer, Shellby makes his clickitycall.
Oh, right. Strike that last Tweet as it may make me sound silly.
XSP AutoTweet - Sorry, Sir. Remember, Tweets are instantaneous.
Grrrr.
XSP AutoTweet - You do also know that this creature may be capable of flight for all we know.
Phone….
XSP AutoTweet - Or perhaps it can simply walk on water. I believe that has only happened once, but anything is possible on this island.
Litte wise a------signal lost------
------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - We stop for a moment so that Dirk & Shellby might have lunch. I recharge myself with what little light filters through t
XSP AutoTweet - Silly 140 character count.
HA! I told you that this whole Tweet thing was silly.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk eats a sandwich and gives a cupcake to Shellby despite my objections.
XSP AutoTweet - Five minutes later, the little guy is so wired his clicking sounds like a castanet on top of a blender.
Can you use your math to figure out long this is going to keep up? It’s driving me bananas!
XSP AutoTweet - Based on the fact that the cupcake is nearly as big as he is, it could last hours. Definitely into the night at least.
Just swell.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - It’s four hours later. The jungle has become harder to navigate as we move to the interior. And Shellby is still clicking.
Great Paul Bunnian’s Beard, how do you shut him off!?!
XSP AutoTweet - Don’t feed him a dessert that’s ½ of his body weight would probably be a good way to start.
Besides the general annoyance of it all, it’s giving away our position to everything two-bit tentacle-ed thing in this jungle.
It’s too much like the time on Chiasaurusrex for my taste.
XSP AutoTweet - Seeing an opportunity to get the content Dirk’s nephew so desperately wanted, I make my move.
XSP AutoTweet - Why, how is it too much like Chiasaurusrex, Sir? I do not have any record of that in my database.
No you probably wouldn’t as it was deemed top secret by more than a few national governments.
It was the summer of 1985. I was called to Brazil because of the sudden appearance of a large creature that needed some climbing.
After I was air dropped into the jungle, I came upon the creature. It was a most unique oddity. Really a one of a kind.
Although it was clearly a plant based monster, not unlike the one that tried to munch on Shellby there, it formed its skeleton from vari
Stinking character count. That’s it no more.
XSP AutoTweet - But Sir, I am REALLY interested in this particular story.
Sure you are.
XSP AutoTweet - No really, and the way you tell it with such…panache. It’s really quite astounding.
Well, I have been told that one a lecture tour or two. Very well, I shall continue.
As I was saying, its skeleton was made up of various rock formations that it had grown around over time.
A rigid structure that is also very resilient? Not too bad thinking for a bunch of loosely sentient asparagus.
I even tried to market the idea as a video game, but it never took off.
XSP AutoTweet - Uh, Sir, they…oh, nevermind. Continue.
So, I made my way onto this beasty. It was pretty easy as the creature was both slow and cannibalistic.
XSP AutoTweet - And how did that make it less dangerous.
You know, it was a cannibal. In its case it meant that it only ate other plants.
XSP AutoTweet - Oh, yes, right.
So there I am trying to keep my balance on its shifting mass of twigs & vines when ------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk continued his story without even missing a beat. Satellite signal or no satellite signal.
Inch by inch, foot by foot, I finally was able to reach a firm piece of stone that made up part of the beast’s left shoulder.
Did I mention it was a quadruped? I wouldn’t want to confuse anybody because if it was bipedal I would not have been able to stand…
XSP AutoTweet – I think the people will understand. Do go on.
As I was saying, I found a solid place to call base camp when I suddenly heard this clicking sound.
It was faint at first. Probably no louder than an Alabama cricket, but it suddenly became louder.
But not really louder, it became more. It was on all sides of me..an incessant CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK.
XSP AutoTweet – Whether he realizes it or not, Dirk has stopped as he tells the story. Shellby has also come down from the trees.
XSP AutoTweet – The little creature sits as best as his sugar infused body will let him. I’m unsure if he likes Dirk’s animated gestures
XSP AutoTweet – Or perhaps he actually understands.
Because of the sudden nature of the trip, I was very ill prepared despite my normal practices.
I pulled out my trusty knife/bottle opener. The sound grew louder, and louder. Then, they attacked.
They came at me from all sides. Right out from the beast’s body itself.
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk pauses for dramatic effect. It works. Sir, what were they.
Peonies. It was a mob of peonies. And the sound, the sound came from their little, gnarled teeth.
XSP AutoTweet – What form of mutation would cause peonies to grow teeth and become ravenous?
I think peonies by definition are ravenous. The teeth…that was the interesting part. The peonies didn’t grow teeth. They made them.
XSP AutoTweet – Shellby recoiled at this. It was like a child at a ghost story, except he had almost been eaten by a similar boogeyman.
You see, the peonies chipped away at the Chiasaurusrex’s stony bones and made nasty sets of choppers for themselves.
Unlike their unwitting host, these fella’s liked themselves some fresh meat, but they weren’t about to have any of mine.
I prepared for the onslaught, and it came right at me like a greyhound bus out of town.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Week 07 Day 01

XSP AutoTweet - Feeling it is his patriotic duty to rest on all national holidays no matter where he is, Dirk will issue no updates today.
XSP AutoTweet - Yet somehow, I can keep recording everything, analyzing samples, tracking Shellby...grumble grumble grumble.

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
The peonies lunged at me from every side.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continued with his story on the expedition to Chiasaurusrex.
I slashed at them with my knife, but for every one that I would knock down there were 2 others to take its place.
Their little stony teeth sank into places that I would rather not recall. Saying it hurt was an understatement.
I thought that I was a goner. I should note this was only one of 4 times I have thought that.
I retreated, but tripped when my foot got caught in one of Chiasaurusrex’s vines.
When I hit the ground, one of the little buggers went right at my melon. I was able to roll away in the knick of time.
Instead of getting me, the little bugger got a mouth full of monster sod. Then something odd happened.
XSP AutoTweet - Really? Something odd? As if killer peonies with stone teeth are normal.
Do you want to hear the end of this story or not? Stinkin’ color commentary.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby shot me an angry look. His clicking had quieted down considerably.
XSP AutoTweet - Of course, do continue.
When that little peony bit into Chiasaurusrex, the monster actually shuttered. I instantly had a theory.
Every vine that made up Chiasaurusrex had a direct line right to the creatures brain. After the theory, came the idea.
I got to my feet. The peony horde started at me again. Launching through the air for a better bite.
This time, instead of slashing, I grabbed them out of the air and bundled them into a little snapping bouquet of terror.
When I finally had a handful, I jammed them right into Chiasaurusrex’s back. It’s reaction was almost instantaneous…
and equally frightening.
XSP AutoTweet - Far ahead, a twig snaps. Dirk immediately focuses with owl like reflexes.
We need to keep movin’. I think we’re gaining on it.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to move on the trail once more.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, what happened next? You have to finish the story. Sir
------Signal Lost. We’re sorry for the inconvenience.------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - We move through the jungle towards the sound. Dirk expertly navigates the brush.
XSP AutoTweet - Above Shellby hops from tree to tree looking for signs of anything. Intruders or a snack for himself.
I wish I could get a handle on wherever whatever we’re chasing was headin’.
XSP AutoTweet - It appears to be heading away from camp nothing more.
Oh, yeah Mr. Smartycircuits, then why has the path zigged at least twice and zagged three times.
XSP AutoTweet - I replay the journey using my somewhat unreliable GPS unit. He’s right. Not bad for a fleshy.
Hey, watch the language there buddy.
XSP AutoTweet - Sorry.
XSP AutoTweet - A few yards later, something unexpected happens.
Well, I wasn’t expecting this.
XSP AutoTweet - I already, oh never mind.
Well, were you calculating that we would suddenly come to a fork in the road?
How can something run in two directions at the same time?
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby hops down from the tree and inquisitively examines both routes. Undecided, he plops down on the ground.
Maybe he’s right. A little thinkin’ time is what’s needed right now.
Sometimes a man can get so preoccupied with using his legs to chase something, he forgets to use his brain.
That goes for almost everything in life.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I know that you need to think about the current conundrum at hand, but do you think-
You want me to finish that Chiasaurusrex story, don’t ya?
XSP AutoTweet - It’s just…I think Shellby wants to know how it ends.
You know he probably isn’t exactly fluent in English, right?
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby looks loving at Dirk and eye. Dirk’s right.
Fine, I’ll finish it, but I’ll need to make it quick. We can’t afford to waste another minute.
So there I was with a bouquet of plant piranhas in my hand, and I started ramming them face first into Chiasaurusrex.
The peonies did there thing and started nibbling big, green, and viney.
It let out a roar and then did just what I hope. It raised one giant hand and was going to swat those little buggers like flies.
Then, of course, I had one of those last minute realizations you have after you ran the stop sign in front of the law…
To Chiasaurusrex, I was a fly, too.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.-----

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk continued his story. Despite his earlier objections, one can easily see he loves to tell these.
There I stood killer peonies in one hand and a good helping of fear in the other.
Fear is an odd thing. I haven’t known its company very often, but when I have, it wasn’t the most gracious host.
Chiasaurusrex’s massive claw seemed to move in slow motion. It blocked out the sun and knocked clouds out of the sky.
XSP AutoTweet – Embellish much?
Phone!
XSP AutoTweet – Sorry.
I think even the sap-headed peonies slowly figured out what was coming because they stopped chomping me and watched in terror.
Or whatever passes as terror for a normally docile garden dweller.
I dropped the peonies and ran as best I could over the twisting vines.
The claw came down. SLAM!!!!
XSP AutoTweet – Shellby jumps at this, but still remains enthralled despite not having any idea what Dirk is saying.
The claw missed my leg by a mere three inches. I breathed a sigh of relief. My plan worked perfectly…except for one thing.
Apparently Chiasaurus was very thorough when it came to squashing pests.
I got to my feet and ran as fast as I could.
The great claw went up again. SMASH!!!
I could feel the breeze as it skimmed the back of my collar. Again it drew upward to strike.
Thinking on my feet, as I often do, I thought that I might be able to use all this pounding to my advantage.
I quickly ran towards------Signal Lost. Thank you for using Smithson Sat-o-scan Technology------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
How come it’s always the things you love the most in life that can get you killed?
XSP AutoTweet – An unexpected and oddly philosophical idea pops up in Dirk’s story. A rarity.
Anywho, I was making a break for Chiasaurusrex’s head before he pounded me into Dirk coleslaw.
Chiasaurus’ claw once again rose and readied to strike. Luckily it moved slowly, and I move quick.
I made it to Chiasaurusrex’s head and stood right on the center plate that marked my target.
Would this work? Could a creature of such power be so gullible as to fall for this plan?
The claw swung down with more force than ever before, and I had my answer.
At the last possible moment, I leaped out of the strike zone and my plan was complete.
Chiasaurusrex struck with such force, such tenacity, it managed to knock itself cold with one blow.
Sure it wiped out two or three villages when it fell unconscious, but my job there was done.
The really ironic part of this whole story is that the monster was created by some mega conglomerate as they tried to make a better fertilizer.
Boy it worked all right. They got tomatoes the size of busses. Too bad they were attached to-
XSP AutoTweet – Sir, that was a truly excellent story. Very exciting.
Eh, not one of my best. How did we get on that anyway?
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk looks down at Shellby. Shellby smiles back…if he had lips.
Hey, you’re not clicking anymore! About time. No more cupcakes for you.
But enough sidetracking. Now we have to make a choice of left or right. Clearly one is a trap and the other the right way.
XSP AutoTweet – So we are going to the right?
No, I said one is a trap and the other is right.
XSP AutoTweet – Oh. Perhaps when referencing direction in relation to the correct course, you might use “correct” instead of “right”.
Phone we have a serious dilemma ahead of us. It’s no time for some cockamamie grammar lesson.
One wrong move here could lead us into certain doom. As I said, it could lead into a-
>>>>>>Proximity Alert<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet – 5, no, 7 Dirk sized-shapes jump down from the trees overhead. They rush towards us!
Darn it! The choosing was the trap!
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk draws the plasma gun and fires. He hits one of the shapes. They move too fast. I cannot scan them.
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk fires again but misses. They come at us from all sides. Shellby fires one of his spears but it bounces off the intruders.
XSP AutoTweet – One of the attackers flings a mass of pinkish goo at Dirk. It knocks the plasma gun from his hand. Dirk tries to pry it from the ground.
It’s stuck like a tick in a knit sweater.
XSP AutoTweet – Dirk struggles and –SPLETTZZATSTSTS – ACK I’m hit by goo! And WOAH!!!!
XSP AutoTweet – DIRK! I am pulled from Dirk’s belt by one of the creatures. It’s pulling me into the jungle!
PHONE! Shellby, help Phone!
XSP AutoTweet – Shellby runs towards me throwing his spears at my captor, but his legs are too small. He tries so hard, but he can’t keep up.
XSP AutoTweet – They fade from my sensors in a rush of jungle.
XSP AutoTweet – Maybe this is how I will meet my manufacturer.
------Signal Lost------

Week 08 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - I am a prisoner. I am alone. This is the Twitter stream of XSP 27: Monster Captive.
XSP AutoTweet - The creature drags me further into the jungle. Darkness creeps in from all sides.
XSP AutoTweet - I don’t how much longer my battery will last. I fear that the next time I enter sleep mode, I may not reactivate.
XSP AutoTweet - But I mustn’t dwell on that. Worrying burns out a processor faster than quantum mechanics.
XSP AutoTweet - I must do what I was brought here to do. Help in the pursuit of science and adventure.
XSP AutoTweet - I am plastered to the creature’s back by some sort of viscous goo that I can only hope came from a non-waste bearing orifice.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan the creature. My readings are jumbled by the goo.
XSP AutoTweet - The creature is actually worm-like. Not at all what I would have expected based on the agility of their attack.
XSP AutoTweet - Stuck to its body are various other items from our camp including some of Dirk’s prized PB&J sandwiches.
XSP AutoTweet - I believe the creature excretes the goo and then uses it to affix items or, prey, to itself due to its lack of appendages.
XSP AutoTweet - It’s a rather brilliant piece of evolution if it wasn’t for the fact that I am going to DIE!
XSP AutoTweet - And for what! So that oaf of an adventurer can reclaim a midnight snack!
XSP AutoTweet - You may think that sophisticated pieces of machinery wouldn’t worry about death.
XSP AutoTweet - Well, we do. No one wants to be “involuntarily recycled” as Dirk likes to say.
XSP AutoTweet - I think that there’s a heaven and hell for machines you know.
XSP AutoTweet - And what’s in it for me? Have I functioned in my existence to the fullest? What if I haven’t?
XSP AutoTweet - I could spend the rest of eternity as some reincarnated rotary dial. Or worse yet, a telegraph machine!
... _ _ _ …
XSP AutoTweet - Just thought I would start practicing.
XSP AutoTweet - Why me!?! I was supposed to be in some yuppies briefcase right now not riding a prehistoric worm to-
XSP AutoTweet - The creature stops. Slowly its head, at least I think it is the head, spins around and draws closer
XSP AutoTweet - Note to self: Be sure to mute one’s self prior to having a digital breakdown.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The worm draws closer to me. Its slimy skin pulsating with squirmy life.
XSP AutoTweet - What kind of sinister plot now rolls around its brain…or whatever it uses for thought?
XSP AutoTweet - It presses it snout or mouth or, even worse, its probe against my screen.
XSP AutoTweet - Fine then. Do it! Eat me! I know it’s what you’re thinking! It’s what everything seems to be thinking on this island!
XSP AutoTweet - The creature continues to slither its way about my face. My heat sensors tell me it is very cold slime.
XSP AutoTweet - Then the creature draws its head back. A gurgly sound escapes from within. A battle cry perhaps.
XSP AutoTweet - Either way I know what is coming next. Then let it happen. Let it strike me down. Let it-
XSP AutoTweet - With surprising speed, the worm lunges straight at me. No, wait, around me.
XSP AutoTweet - It wedges its head between me & its body, and I’m sprung off its side.
XSP AutoTweet - I fly for a few yards before I slam against a nearby fern tree. I stick to the spot thanks to the goo.
XSP AutoTweet - The worm then continues on its way and squirms into the darkness of the jungle.
XSP AutoTweet - It appears that fate has chosen to save me once again. Or perhaps the creature doesn’t like the taste of anodized aluminum.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan my surroundings as best I can through my goo prison.
XSP AutoTweet - I register multiple forms of plant life, all without teeth luckily, and some other innocuous biological entities.
XSP AutoTweet - My processors slowly cool down as I hang to the tree with relative safety.
XSP AutoTweet - My CPU begins to wander to questions that need answering.
XSP AutoTweet - Why did the worms attack our camp? Was it the siren song of PB&J or could it be Dirk’s dang Old Spice II again?
XSP AutoTweet - And what about Dirk and Shellby? Were they able to fend off our invertebrate attackers?
XSP AutoTweet - I do hope that they’re alright. Little Shellby only joined this expedition a few days ago, I hate it to have cut short his life cut short.
XSP AutoTweet - And what of Dirk? Despite what I may have said back there, I do care for his well being.
XSP AutoTweet - I refuse to believe that a batch of creepy crawlies could get the best of the world’s only Monster Climber.
XSP AutoTweet - Then again, they say that the meek shall inherit the earth, and what is more meek that a worm.
XSP AutoTweet - Interesting. If this were some sort of episodic piece of entertainment, that would have been a pretty good line to end on.
XSP AutoTweet - But that is another silly notion. My logic boards must be loosing power as my battery dwindles.
XSP AutoTweet------Signal Lost.------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for XSP 27: Monster Captive
XSP AutoTweet - Hours pass by with not a sign of Dirk or Shellby.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan, and rescan everything around me to pass the time.
XSP AutoTweet - I find that massive amounts of quantitative deduction can make time just fly by.
XSP AutoTweet - For example, I believe that there are no organisms on this island smaller than a dime.
XSP AutoTweet - That may not sound like much, however, the creatures that are the size of a dime are normally microscopic.
XSP AutoTweet - I scanned an amoeba that would scare the bejeepers out of you.
XSP AutoTweet - All in all, I guess my predicament is not all that dire after all. I will just keep collecting data until I’m found.
XSP AutoTweet - If I scan one more thing, I think I’m going to erase my hard drive.
XSP AutoTweet - How could they not have found me yet!?! Maybe this will help.
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< >>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< >>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< >>>>>>ALARM<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - From deep in the jungle comes a guttural “ROAR”. Maybe the alarm is not the best idea.
XSP AutoTweet - It’s all right. I must remain calm.
>>>>>>Warning: Battery level at 30%<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - Oh, great. That’s just great. With my solar panel glued to the tree I can’t get any sunlight for a recharge.
XSP AutoTweet - I bet you this kind of thing never happened to R2D2.
XSP AutoTweet - I know he is a work of fiction, but he’s still my idol. He always handled things so cool and calm.
XSP AutoTweet - He was so confident he didn’t even bother to process English. He made everyone else learn what his bleeps meant.
XSP AutoTweet - Granted he could also actually hold things. Oh, if only I had an arm right now.
XSP AutoTweet - Maybe when we get back to camp I can have Dirk rig me up some kind of a fork for a hand or something.
XSP AutoTweet - Why do I try and fool myself. Cold logic and probability tell me that I’m not leaving this tree.
XSP AutoTweet - And the dream of a fork hand will deactivate with me.
------Signal Lost. Please try moving to higher ground for better reception.------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for XSP 27: Monster Captive
>>>>>>Warning: Battery level at 20%<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - As my battery continues to drain I begin to shut off any unnecessary systems. I can’t do math right now.
XSP AutoTweet - I never thought it would end like this. Stuck to a tree in some alien jungle.
XSP AutoTweet - I always thought I would be handed down from generation to generation. First by the tech savvy dad.
XSP AutoTweet - Then I would go to the ungrateful son who would want the newest model that his dad just bought himself.
XSP AutoTweet - Finally I would go to the younger daughter. She would play with me till the last electron left my battery.
XSP AutoTweet - But I suppose that life was never mine. That only happens to the production run phones.
XSP AutoTweet - I am one of a kind. And that makes me-
>>>>>>Warning: Battery level at 15%<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - I shut down all my sensors except for my visuals, which I keep at only 10%. I could shut off the satellite signal, but then
XSP AutoTweet - I register small movement from the bushes up ahead.
XSP AutoTweet - Something slither out of the bushes. I can’t make it out and can’t turn up my sensors now.
XSP AutoTweet - It almost looks like…it can’t be. Larry!?! Larry - the severed tongue. Larry - who almost had me dismantled.
XSP AutoTweet - But that’s impossible. Dirk ate you! Could my dwindling battery be causing my logic board to fail?
XSP AutoTweet - The blurry shapes moves closer to me.
>>>>>>Warning: Battery level at 10%<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - Then so be it phantom Larry. Do your worst! Slobber me to deactivation.
XSP AutoTweet - For you will have no joy from it. You will get only silence and taste the cold of my anodized a-
>>>>>>Warning: Battery level at 5%<<<<<<
>>>>>>Initiating emergency standby mode. Writing all contents to hard drive.<<<<<<
------Signal Lost. Device failure------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
------XSP Battery Recharging - 5%------
------XSP Battery Recharging - 10%------
XSP AutoTweet - Slowly my sensors come back online. Motion sensors tell me that I am moving. Has some other monstrosity captured me?
XSP AutoTweet - I am violently shaken back and forth. Something trying to tear into my inner circuits no doubt.
XSP AutoTweet - My audio sensors come back online next. Now I shall hear the snarls and howls of the creature that shall be my end.
Dang this gooey gunk is a bugger to get off. I already went through 3 wire brushes and a half gallon of Goo Forth No More.
XSP AutoTweet - That voice…
And I really don’t know what we’re going to do about you, Shellby. Can you molt that shell off or something? Daddy was a hermit crab?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk? Sir, is that you?
Well, look who decided to finally rejoin the land of the living.
XSP AutoTweet - You…you found me?
As much as I like to take credit for any daring rescues that may happen on this little expedition, Shellby was the one that found you.
XSP AutoTweet - My visual sensors come back on. Dirk looks down at me. He appears no worse for wear.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan over to Shellby. He appears in good spirits despite being covered in every sort of jungle debris.
Somehow I think he got more of this worm juice on him than you did.
Anywho, I think those antennas of his picked up on your signal.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, Sir, perhaps. What an amazing little creature he is.
Besides, what were you tweeting about out there anyway? Me and my pearls of wisdom were busy fighting those Slinkys from Hell.
XSP AutoTweet - Oh, uh, nothing. (Deleting tweet logs 08.01-08.04.) Just some findings I scanned while stuck to a tree.
XSP AutoTweet - How were you able to fend off the worms?
That will have to be a story for another day. You need to power down and recharge.
XSP AutoTweet - I wish I knew how to thank Shellby for his bravery.
Awe he doesn’t need any thanks. You’re his friend, and that’s what friends do. Save friends from goo spewing freaks of nature.
Now recharge up. You’re going to need to be at full strength where we’re heading.
XSP AutoTweet - Where, Sir?
Let’s just say that those nematodes let us in on a little secret. We’re not alone on this island.
Really not alone.
------XSP 27 entering stand-by mode.------ Safe and sound…with his friends.

Week 09 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored-------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - The sun rises over base camp. Dirk stands before us like a general addressing the troops.
As we all know, a few days ago we were victims of PB&J theft by some of the island natives.
Slimy, armless, eyeless natives, but we can’t look at it like we lost those days huntin’ them down and looking for Phone.
You see, with my keen sense of deduction, I have come to the conclusion that we were, in fact, attacked by a bunch of hungry, oversized nema-
Stinkin’ 140 characters! Did Jacques Cousteau have to put up with this? Stephen Hawking!?!
XSP AutoTweet - You almost made it, Sir.
Grrr. As I was saying, we were attacked by nematodes. Now, that may not mean much to anyone here, but it could be something big.
XSP AutoTweet - Big in comparison to the rest of the world or big in comparison to the denizens of this island?
No, I don’t mean big, I mean- It’s could be something important you binary boglin.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I do believe you followers may not know what a nematode is exactly. Could you explain?
How can somebody not know what a nematode is? I’m sure even Shellby here knows.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby looks dumfounded and goes back to his spear making.
Fine. A nematode is type of worm that feeds on fleas, and that means…?
XSP AutoTweet - That they are effected the same way as all other life on Reptiliton?
Well, yes, but it also means that there are probably giant fleas on this island, too.
XSP AutoTweet - Giant Reptiliton fleas?
Yep. Great ain’t it?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I do not believe that a giant flea would in fact be all that great.
Why not?
XSP AutoTweet - Why not!?! Sir, a giant flea would be a blood thirsty, strong, and agile hunter. How is that good?
Because, it means that somehow, they are still actively feeding on Reptiliton.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes…
And if they are still feeding on Reptiliton, it means they have somehow gotten past that impenetrable hide of his.
XSP AutoTweet - I’m sorry, Sir, I still don’t follow.
Wow, that goo sure did a number on your processor. If they can get to Reptiliton’s blood, it means so can we.
We can get all the samples of his DNA, everything. The whole shootin’ match once we…mumble mumble.
XSP AutoTweet - Can you repeat that? My sensor must have cut out.
I said we can get all the tissue samples we need…once we find the flea’s nest.
XSP AutoTweet - WHAT!?! That’s insane!
Nope. Insanity would be coming to a giant monster island and not getting any science done. That there is the plan.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I’m not sure if you should be touching that wire-ZZZZZSSSTTT
Will you just close your yap for a few seconds. I built you that solar collector just fine didn’t I?
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, Sir, but this is slightly differeZZZZSSSTTTTTS.
Nah. Just have the juice going the other way is all. Trust me you’ll thank me the next time something swipes you.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues doing things with my wires that usually requires buying dinner first.
Watch that color commentary mister. There might be kids reading. Ok, give it a try.
XSP AutoTweet - How do I activate it, Sir?
I tied it into your alarm so that now when you bring the thunder you also get the-
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
OUCH! Holy hanna that smarts! Well, I’ll call that test succ-
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
Phone!
XSP AutoTweet - Te he he. Sorry, couldn’t help it. It does, however, look like your security system is functional.
Yep. I call it M.A.D. Monster Attack Deterrent. I have to trademark that when we get back to-
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
PHONE!!!
XSP AutoTweet - This is fun.
There are those that say that the secret to a good offense is a good defense. I never really believed in that.
But considering you don’t have hands to hold a plasma cannon and Shellby, well, Shellby’s Shellby, this will have to do.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk sits down at a collapsible table and draws out rudimentary maps of the ground we have covered.
XSP AutoTweet - He absentmindedly touches his red kerchief. This something I have registered but choose not to ask about.
XSP AutoTweet - I have seen image files of the kerchief before and where it came from. It may even be one of the reasons we’re here.
------Signal Lost. Thank you for using Smithson Sat-o-scan Technology------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Now if I were a giant radioactive flea, where would I set up camp so that I could snack on monster blood whenever I wanted?
XSP AutoTweet - Anywhere else that statement may have seemed odd. Here on Reptiliton Island, it is the picture of normalcy.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby hops up onto the table and begins to study Dirk’s map.
Shellby you’re gonna crinkle up the map. Knock it off.
You can always tell the makeup of a man by the crispness of his maps.
XSP AutoTweet - I do apologize that my GPS unit is not functioning correctly. It would have made mapping the island much easier.
Not to worry, Phone because, first, I have an excellent sense of spatialization and, second, I don’t trust GPS units.
One told me to turn left once straight into a lake. I think it tried to drown me.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, don’t be silly-
That was after it sent me down the wrong way on a one-way street and had me cut through a heavily guarded, top secret military base.
XSP AutoTweet - Well it couldn’t have been that secret.
Anywho, I believe that the nematodes were trying to not only trap us, but lead us away from their home turf.
If that is so, then we must go in the opposite direction towards our goal of the flea nest. And by my calculations that takes us…
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby clicks loudly and points towards Reptiliton’s largest spine. Lighting strikes it from an unseen source.
Hey, maybe you’re not as backwards as some people think.
XSP AutoTweet - People like you, Sir?
Quiet you… Ok, then we have a course. It may take us a day or two to get there depending on how dense that jungle gets.
At least we don’t need to look out for any bottomless pits.
If we found one, we would probably just end up in Reptiliton’s kidney.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk waits in anticipation. I believe that was an attempt at humor.
Really? Nothin’. I swear I’m having the nephew get you a Funny Bone app the first thing when we get back.
XSP AutoTweet App Scan - Humor ME v2009.1 installed and functioning correctly.
XSP AutoTweet - Oh, yes, Sir. That is a great idea.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Afternoon slowly turns to dusk. Shellby packs up his spears and an old seat cushion he uses as a bed.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk starts a campfire using some of the yellow stink flowers we found upon our arrival.
XSP AutoTweet - Olfactory sensors disabled.
You big baby. Would you rather smell something nasty or have something nasty smell you?
I know I choose the former in that toss up.
Anywho, I think I have everything that we’ll need to head out tomorrow morning at first light.
XSP AutoTweet - How do you deal with the repetition of it all?
Not sure what you mean there, Phone. Every expedition is different. Every climb is its own, for lack of a better word, beast.
XSP AutoTweet - I know that, Sir, but this trip seems to be just preparing, hiking, almost getting eaten, and then return to camp.
XSP AutoTweet - Rinse and repeat as some might say. How does that not bore you?
Hmmm. That is actually a pretty good observation phone. I guess it is a lot of the same when you boil it down.
What you have to do, what I do, is not look at the part that is the mundane prep and pack, but the possibility of where that gets you.
Take this trip already. I have flown to many a monster in my day. Hundreds on every continent known and unknown to man.
This could have been just like one of those, but it wasn’t. We were shot down by the Army and then attacked by squarks.
I know that hasn’t happened to me before. How about you?
XSP AutoTweet - No.
You see. And what about finding Shellby or fighting off a man eating plant and giant worms in just a few days?
Again, that hasn’t happened to me before. Well, I did domesticate some giant earthworms for the people of Russia, but it was still different.
Thinking about what can happen is just as much of an adventure as actually living the adventure that it turns out to be.
I don’t know if that makes much sense to you.
XSP AutoTweet - I believe I do. You must live the adventure of tomorrow today.
Wow. Did it sound like the title of a self-help book when I explained it?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gives a slight chuckle then goes back to stoking the fire.
Geez these things really do stink.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Auditory Sensors Activated------
XSP AutoTweet - I activate from a sound stand-by mode by an unusual clicking sound.
XSP AutoTweet - The local time is 3 a.m. I immediately throw all of my scanners into action. Could it be another attack?
XSP AutoTweet - A quick scan of the perimeter shows no signs of intruders. Apparently the old stinky yellows worked.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan what would be the next logical cause of the clicking sound.
XSP AutoTweet - My sensors find Shellby asleep on his cushion. His legs move rapidly, but he gets nowhere.
XSP AutoTweet - One might say he was dreaming of chasing a car, but in his case, it is more likely he is being chased by something.
XSP AutoTweet - I continue to scan and…find something I could have never extrapolated.
XSP AutoTweet - At the foot of his tent, I scan Dirk…knitting. How can this be? This is Dr. Dirk Halverstram here.
XSP AutoTweet - How can a man that-
Phone are you activated?
XSP AutoTweet - (Blast my flaky mute function.) Yes, Sir. I thought I scanned a noise.
Dang you have some sensitive hearing. Most people wouldn’t notice knitting needles at 3am, but then again, you’re not a person.
XSP AutoTweet - I would have never taken you as a knitter.
Why not? Think it’s a granny thing? Why is it so unbelievable that a man of adventure such as myself would like to knit?
XSP AutoTweet - Well, it’s just...
Ah, I don’t blame ya. I’ve been fighting that stigma all of my life. Knitting in darkened rooms at shady motels.
My ex once thought I was having some kind of affair.
XSP AutoTweet - Did you tell her?
Of course not! At the time it was too embarrassing. Didn’t matter though. I think she figured out once the 15th tea cozy showed up.
After that I decided to let it all out. Some of the papers said I would be tossed out of the Royal Fraternity of Adventurers.
But do you know what happened? Turned out the order had 4 knitters, two quilters, a pottery expert, and 4 painters.
Now we have an arts day every third Tuesday of the month.
XSP AutoTweet - Are there any model builders?
Oh, no. Model building is for geeks that still live in their parent’s basement. Ask my nephew.
Now get yourself into stand-by mode so that you’re recharged for tomorrow.
We’re gonna find ourselves some man and phone-eating fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - Man and phone eating!?!
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.-------

Week 10 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Phone are you planning on activating today or what?
XSP AutoTweet - As my sensors come online I realize that we have already begun our journey into the jungle. How?
How what? You sleep like the dead or a block of lead.
XSP AutoTweet - First, I don’t sleep I stand-by. How did I not register our leaving? Nothing. No motion sensor, auditory sensor.
Maybe you’re just getting rusty.
XSP AutoTweet - In the trees overhead, Shellby clicks what can only be a laugh.
Thank you, thank you. Don’t forget to tip your waitress on your way out.
XSP AutoTweet - Wait a moment. You did this to me!
If you are referring to hauling your circuity keester for the last half a mile, then you are absolutely right.
XSP AutoTweet - Not that you oaf! My sensors! You must have shorted something out when you installed M.A.D.
You better watch your tone there fella.
XSP AutoTweet - My tone…MY TONE! I’m lucky I even have a tone to watch after you played about with my guts! What on earth did you monkey-
Careful. 140 characters,
XSP AutoTweet - GRRRRRAAAAAHHHHH
Way to use your grow-up words there, Phone. You’ll thank me the next time something goes to use you as a garnish.
XSP AutoTweet - First, that is a horrible comparison as you don’t eat garnish.
XSP AutoTweet - Secondly, it won’t matter if something is eating me because I won’t be able to sense it thanks to you!
You seem to be doing just fine right now.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, but what happens if you hit a bump or something and my motion sensor goes on the fritz.
XSP AutoTweet - Or worse, what if it were my ocular sensor? I can go blind! I could be going blind RIGHT NOW!
Maybe that won’t be such a bad thing.
XSP AutoTweet - Not a bad thing! BLIND!
At least you wouldn’t have to see this.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
I have seen a lot in my time climbing monsters. I mean, a lot, but this hits a whole nother level of odd.
XSP AutoTweet - As we stare at the site before us, Shellby hops from the tree and immediately draws one of his spears.
I agree, little guy.
XSP AutoTweet - Ahead of us was what appeared to be one of the famous jumping crabs that Dirk so enjoyed for breakfast.
XSP AutoTweet - That alone may not seem like something odd, but the creature that was eating it surely was.
It’s like…it’s like Reptiliton blew his nose and it ate Mr. Crab there.
XSP AutoTweet - Completely surrounding the jumping crab was what looked like a jellyfish with one unique addition…wings.
It appears that a fairly ordinary jellyfish has mutated and attacks its prey by bombarding them from the sky. Fascinating.
XSP AutoTweet - Terrifying is more appropriate.
It’s not all that strange really. Many jellyfish hunt the same way in the ocean.
They trail stingers behind them, sometimes for up to a mile, catch prey that swim below.
I wonder how it is able to survive outside the water. But, heck, Shellby here does just fine.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby points to the jellybird. He then pantomimes looking into the sky with fear. Something flying then PLOP on the head.
I think the little fella has had himself a run in with these things.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby nods in agreement.
Well, I don’t think they’re somethin’ we need to worry about right now. We have enough tree cover to stop the plop.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue on gingerly past the feasting mass of writhing jelly.
I tell you one thing, if I am ever in a position to meet some kind of alien race that decides to eat me, I hope it isn’t protoplasmic.
Worst way to go if you ask me. Nope, just let it eat my brains out quick and easy is what I say.
XSP AutoTweet - My processor feels a little queasy at the tenor of this conversation.
Hey. Maybe we should stop for lunch sometime soon.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - We carry on for a few more yards before finding a suitable clearing where we can have lunch.
How long do you think it will take that ball of snot back there to digest that jumping crab?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk asks this question as he bites into a PB&J. The irony of the oozing jelly is lost on him.
XSP AutoTweet - Based on other aquatic based jellyfish, I would calculate that it would take about a day.
Interesting. Very interesting.
XSP AutoTweet - How so?
Well, I can reckon two things from that little calculation.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to pack up his things even though he hasn’t finished his sandwich.
One is that those things either really enjoy their meals, or they never developed a faster stomach to go with those wings of theirs.
XSP AutoTweet - And what was the second thing?
That the crab it was eating was probably only plopped on less than a few minutes ago.
XSP AutoTweet - That is interesting but
And that most jellyfish swim in schools.
XSP AutoTweet - No sooner does Dirk say this, the light around us begins to shimmer as if we were under water.
Dang I hate it when I’m right. Especially when it happens so often. RUN!
XSP AutoTweet - We make a run for the tree line as the first wave of jellybirds plop all around us. The sound is sickening.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby dodges left and right in perfect sync with Dirk. Stinging tentacles flail about waiting to strike us.
XSP AutoTweet - We are almost to the base of a large tree and the safety of its leafy branches.
Who’s idea was it to stop in a clearing for lunch anyway!
XSP AutoTweet - A bundle of jellybirds lands square on Dirk’s backpack. Their weight slowing us down.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk instinctively sheds the pack. It hits the ground with a thud and is covered with even more plopping jelly birds.
XSP AutoTweet - 15 feet until we are under the safety of the nearby tree.
XSP AutoTweet - Tentacles fly this way and that. Dirk and Shellby manage to avoid them at every turn.
This is like running through booger coated spaghetti.
XSP AutoTweet - We are five feet from the tree.
Almost there.
XSP AutoTweet - Behind us, Shellby trips over his little feet. Dirk stops.
Shellby give me your claw!
XSP AutoTweet - As Dirk reaches out his hand, he grazed by a falling jellybird. He slips on the squishy ground and falls back under the tree.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby gets to his feet and makes a break for us. He’s fast, but the road is slimy.
XSP AutoTweet - He is 4 feet from us. Three feet. Two feet.
Come on!
XSP AutoTweet - He is so close Dirk can almost reach him, but can’t before one of the jellybird flairs a tentacle straight across his shelled back.
No!!!!
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
No!!!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk cries out as Shellby falls to the ground, his small body shaking from the poison.
Not today!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk takes me from his belt and leaves me under the tree. He darts back out into the jellybird rain.
XSP AutoTweet - Tentacles lash at him with more than one connecting, but he continues on.
XSP AutoTweet - He makes it to Shellby, takes him in his arms, and brings him back to the safety of the tree.
Phone, I need you to scan him and tell me how far the poison has gotten.
>>>>>>Neurotoxin scan initiated<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - It’s starting to enter his blood stream. His shell is slowing it down, but he can’t hold on for much longer.
Damn it. I need my pack.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk looks to his pack, now completely engulfed in jellybirds.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, you’ll never make that run. You’ve already taken as many stings as a person can, anymore and you could die.
I know.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk quickly scans the area trying to formulate some kind of plan. Some way to deflect the jellybirds’ deadly plopping.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby’s life signs continue to deteriorate. -Dirk, we don’t have much time.
I know!
XSP AutoTweet - What can we do? How can we- Dirk looks straight at me.
You know what calms me down in these types of life or death situations?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, this is no time for-
A little field test.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk picks me up and holds me over his head.
When I tell you to, I want you to activate M.A.D. at full blast. You hear me.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, but-
One…
XSP AutoTweet - It might not-
Two…
XSP AutoTweet - and it will-
THREE!
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
Phone, I’m not hearing any alarm.
XSP AutoTweet - But, Sir, it will shock you every time I-
I know, Phone. It’s a chance I’m willing to take to save Shellby. Now, light up or I’ll turn you into a beeper!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to run towards the pack.
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
Yikes! That smarts!
XSP AutoTweet - The electrical discharge shoots out from me like a wave instantly causing the jellybirds to pop from the shock.
Don’t stop till I tell you to!
XSP AutoTweet - We continue to the jellybird covered pack. I fire M.A.D. again and again.
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
XSP AutoTweet - More jellybird popping.
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
XSP AutoTweet - More plop stopping.
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
XSP AutoTweet - More Dirk arm hair toasting.
Mind on the mission!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk makes it to the bag. I zap the clinging jellybirds and they flee. Or at least ooze away.
XSP AutoTweet - Bag in hand, we return to the tree; zapping all the way.
XSP AutoTweet - Back under the tree, Dirk tosses me aside and rummages through his bag. I’ll forgive him this time.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby’s vital signs are fading, Sir.
I just n,n,n,need to find…g,got it!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pulls out the most intricate, and frightening epipen I have ever classified.
XSP AutoTweet - He moves it towards the shaking Shellby. Uh, Sir…that looks big enough to kill him.
Quiet, y,y,y, you.
XSP AutoTweet - Hopefully the stutter is only a temporary side-effect of the electroshock or this Twitter stream will be impossible to read.
Th,th,this will w,w,w,w,work.
XSP AutoTweet - The device moves closer to Shellby with its whirring motors and pumping pistons.
XSP AutoTweet - Then with barely touching him, it’s done.
S,s,s,s,ee it’s an ouch, ouch,ouchless needle of m,m,my own design.
XSP AutoTweet - Slowly, Shellby’s vital signs return to normal. The danger has passed.
T,t,t,t,t,told you it w,w,would work.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, sir, you were right as always. But why go through all the trouble of an ouchless needle? Are you…afraid?
Of needles? Afraid? N,n,n,no. I just d,d,d,don’t l,like them all that m,m,m,much is all. I’m a m,m,monster climber, not a b,b,b,barbarian.
------Signal Lost------

Week 11 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
I spy with my little eye, somethin’ that is…well, green.
XSP AutoTweet - Sigh. Sir, we are in a jungle, there are many items that fit that description.
Well, it wouldn’t be game if it were easy now would it.
XSP AutoTweet - Grrrr.
Yep, grrrreen.
XSP AutoTweet - The jellybird storm has lasted almost 2 days. At first, Dirk was content with merely observing the event.
XSP AutoLog - Hour 3: Dirk - What I f,f,f,find most peculiar is that once the jelly b,birds fall they don’t retake to the sk,sk,sk,skies.
XSP AutoLog - Hour 3: Dirk - But if that is s,so, where do they k,k,k,k,keep falling from. Hmmmm
XSP AutoTweet - Pondering that question lasted for a while, but then boredom reared its ugly head.
XSP AutoLog - Hour 7: Dirk - Are you s,s,s,sure you sc,scanned everything?
XSP AutoLog - Hour 7: XSP -Sir, I am sure, there are 8 different types of plants, two unidentified oozes, and lots of jellybirds.
XSP AutoLog - Hour 7: Dirk - Well, if w,w,w,we can’t do any m,m,more science for n,now, then we need a n,n,n,new strategy.
XSP AutoTweet - The next 5 hours were spent as Dirk fought his way through both his temporary stutter and 100 bottles of beer on the wall.
XSP AutoTweet - You have not functioned until you have sat through that lovely musical composition sung with a temporary speech impediment.
XSP AutoTweet - And ever since then, it has been the games.
XSP AutoTweet - We are currently up to “Eye Spy”. A lovely game of wit and skill…
Phone, are you gonna pick something or not?
XSP AutoTweet - I cede my turn to Shellby.
XSP AutoTweet - Instantly, the recovering Shellby point off in the distance.
Sorry, buddy, that is not correct. Close though. Phone, its back to you.
XSP AutoTweet - What Dirk seems to forget is that I have scanned everything within his visual range. I can’t loose.
Oh, yeah, you digital deadweight, what is it then?
XSP AutoTweet - You were looking at the 15th leaf from the left on the large fern that is 4th from the right.
Hah you are…oh, actually you’re right on with that one. Point to you, Phone. Well played.
XSP AutoTweet - I will now disable my satellite link for the benefit of all of you.
I spy with my little eye, something-
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Eye spy with my little eye, something that may or may not be carbon based.
XSP AutoTweet - 5 more hours of Eye Spy with no signs of stopping.
Phone?
XSP AutoTweet - Don’t worry I will save all of you.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Eye spy…Hey, what do ya know? It looks like the dang school, swarm, whatever is pulling up stakes.
XSP AutoTweet - FINALLY! The jellybird flock begins to fly off into the distance.
Looks like we can get back on the move again. Kinda a shame though. I spied somethin’ pretty hard this time.
XSP AutoTweet - The inside of your eyelids?
Wait, how did you-
XSP AutoTweet - Lucky guess…and you were blinking an awful lot for the last 15 minutes.
XSP AutoTweet - We emerge from the shadow of the great tree and move to reclaim some of the gear that was left.
XSP AutoTweet - As we move about the remaining jellybirds, some begin to shrivel and dry up in the sun.
That’s somethin’. I don’t think that what we experienced over the last few days was actually an attack.
XSP AutoTweet - Considering what they tried to do to Shellby and yourself, I find that conclusion suspect.
No, hear me out. Most of these jellybirds never took off again, right?
XSP AutoTweet - Yes.
And now they’re shrivelin’ up faster than California raisins in August, right?
I believe that, in the swarm, the older jellybirds are pushed to the top of the mass. There they are exposed to sun.
Something we now see they don’t take well to. So, as they starting to bake, they loose altitude and fall to Earth to die.
Once that happens then next oldest batch of jellybirds take its place.
I bet if we could scan all the way through that giant flying ball of snot, we would see that at its core is where the baby jellybirds were.
XSP AutoTweet - So, in their own way, these creatures all died to save the rest of their school.
Yep. Makes you kinda sad for them in a way.
Although, they probably would have eaten Shellby if they had the chance, so the pity dies quick.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby nods and then proceeds to play hopscotch on the dehydrating invaders.
Shellby don’t! No matter what they have done, these were still living things just doing what they were meant to do.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby stops and follows next t Dirk. We continue on to our destination…and our doom.
Are you trying to foreshadow real life?
XSP AutoTweet - No?
------Signal Lost. Thank you for using Smithson Sat-o-scan Technology------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - We continue to make good time through the dense jungle.
Good thing, too. Science doesn’t wait around for late comers
XSP AutoTweet - And what science do you hope to accomplish once we find the theoretical den of fleas?
Why, it could take any one of a million roads. Take for example; the fleas themselves.
Perhaps after analyzing their exoskeletons, we can develop a new kind of polymer that would make cars lighter and stronger.
Make new kinds of armor to protect the troops.
Or even make the ultimate case for those iPod thingies everyone has jammed in their ear.
XSP AutoTweet - Maybe even…a case for Xtra Smartphones?
Why not! The sky’s the limit when it comes to science.
XSP AutoTweet - What is it that you personally want to find?
What do you mean, Phone?
XSP AutoTweet - Well, what scientific achievement do you want them to attach your name to after you find it here?
What’s wrong with the Halverstram Polymer XSP Case?
XSP AutoTweet - Nothing, but a man of your stature and renown…I just calculated that you might want something more than that.
You’re right. You’re right. Maybe we’ll find a way to bend time and space.
Or we could find a new form of bioluminescence that would lead to a clean and renewable energy source.
Sure it would probably have teeth and go to bite you whenever you plugged in your hair dryer, but that’s progress for ya.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, that is all fine and dandy, but you still haven’t answered the question, What do you want to find?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk stops. He looks into the distance and back into a memory somewhere.
XSP AutoTweet - He absently tugs at his red kerchief.
I’ll know it when I see it. Till then, I have to keep looking for it.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - As we draw closure to the end of our journey, the base of one of Reptiliton’s largest fins, Dirk becomes…
Have I told you boys how excited I am! I feel like the fat kid at the Twinkie factory.
Just think, very soon, we will, hopefully, be up to our eyeballs in giant voracious flees and buckets of Reptiliton tissue samples!
Nothin’ says fun like radioactive tissue samples.
I’ll finally get my chance to use this-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk reaches into his back pocket produces a small round disc about the size of his hand and 2 inches thick.
XSP AutoTweet - What is it, Sir?
This, my friends, is my Sample Spider.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk presses a button and immediately the device “unfolds” into a central body with eight long legs.
XSP AutoTweet -At the end of each leg are various assortments of meters and gizmos. Very sharp, scary looking gizmos.
You see, when we get close enough, we just toss this baby into the exposed insides of Reptiltion, he slices and dices some samples, and we go home.
XSP AutoTweet - Why haven’t you mentioned it before?
Saw no need. Everything so far has been pretty manageable on the freaky scale. Where we’re going may raise the bar a little bit.
Besides, I didn’t want t make you jealous.
XSP AutoTweet - Jealous? Sir, I assure you I do not have that function programmed into me. Also, why should I be jealous?
XSP AutoTweet - I am one of the finest data collecting devices on the planet.
Yeah, but this little guy has something you don’t…it can actually walk itself to take those readings.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk presses a button and the spider retracts back into the disc.
I know that might make me a little prickly.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, again, I assure-
Do you hear that?
XSP AutoTweet - Audio Sensors Activated
It sounds like, well, jungle drums. Like in the old movies when you came upon some cannibals or somethin’.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby slowly draws one of his spears a goes on guard.
Now that is interesting.
------Signal Lost.------

Week 12 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
I think we just hit the mother load and, I’m not afraid to admit it, I might even be a little nervous now.
XSP AutoTweet - As we take cover behind a large fern, we see the source of the mysterious drumming noise.
XSP AutoTweet - In front of us is the mouth of what appears to be a cave that moves deeper into the island.
XSP AutoTweet - But that isn’t what has our main attention right now. That would be what’s guarding the cave.
XSP AutoTweet - On either side of the cave is a flea guard just as Dirk theorized. Very big, and very vicious looking-
I believe “bad ass” is the term you’re looking for there. Yikes.
XSP AutoTweet - Uh, yes. These “bad ass” looking creatures stand approximately eight feet tall and could weigh anywhere up to a ton.
Not to mention the vast amounts of armor plated shell, sizable mandibles- Hey, that sounds like a good name for a insect zoo.
Sizeable Mandibles - Where the bugs step on you.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I don’t know if this is the proper time for humor.
Phone, we’re staring at two creatures that could cleave us in two at a moments notice. If not now, when do you reckon is a good time for humor?
XSP AutoTweet - The sound is generated as the fleas hop in place keeping guard.
And that is our ticket in.
XSP AutoTweet - How so?
Well, see how they do a quarter turn whenever they hop?
XSP AutoTweet - I did scan that phenomena yes.
Did you also scan that they aren’t in sync with each other?
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, they are approximately 30 seconds off.
Then that’s our window. If you can calculate it out, we just slip through when both are facing away from the entrance.
It doesn’t look like they have necks, so they probably won’t spot us when they’re facin’ the other direction.
And that is how a plan is formed.
XSP AutoTweet - Or a death wish.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
So did you figure out when we can sneak by those overgrown ladybugs yet?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I am working on the calculation right now but-
And you still haven’t figured it out yet? Are you running anything in the background?
XSP AutoTweet - Just a stock ticker and a game of Tetris, but that isn’t what I’m trying to get at.
Then spit it out the dang timing so we can sneak ourselves into that cave.
XSP AutoTweet - What about the satellite signal?
What about it?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, sometimes if Shelby sneezes wrong I lose signal. How is it supposed to work inside a cave?
Hmmm. You do pose an interesting conundrum.
XSP AutoTweet - I’m glad you see it that way. Might I suggest we-
Activate XSP Manual Shut-Off
XSP AutoTweet - Wha-
------Signal Lost------
------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Why did you manually shut me down!?! You know how I feel about that.
Because it might have been embarrassin’ had you been awake.
XSP AutoTweet - What do you mean embara…what is Shellby holding?
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby stands nearby holding a piece of electronic equipment with a red flashing light on top.
Oh, that? It’s nothin’. Just taking some..uh, weather readings. Yeah, that’s it.
XSP AutoTweet - But I take the weather readings?
Yeah, well, I thought Shellby would be safer out here, and you know how I feel about loafing so I gave him a job.
Now into the cave!
XSP AutoTweet - But, Sir, what about the signal.
I have it taken care of, now let’s get going before we miss our chance again.
XSP AutoTweet - Wait a moment…
>>>>>>Initiating internal mechanics scan<<<<<<
Phone, we don’t have time for-
XSP AutoTweet - Is that my satellite transponder!?!
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
No, Shellby you have to make sure to keep that pointed up. Up!
XSP AutoTweet - You ripped out my satellite transponder!
Sheesh, you make me sound like Sweeney Todd.
XSP AutoTweet - Why would you do something like that!?! That is a very important component to me. What if I cut out your-
Whoa, there. Remember that there may be kids reading this. Keep it clean.
XSP AutoTweet - Grrrrrr
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP
Ouch! What was that for?
XSP AutoTweet - I’m deterring a monster!
>>>>>>ALARM<<<<<< ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP
Knock it off! Whether you knew it or not your satellite transponder pops right out in case it ever needed to be upgraded.
It took two seconds, and I only had to remove your battery. It’s like getting your tonsils out only I’m going to put them back later.
Although, when we get back you might want to get serviced. You got some goop in there.
XSP AutoTweet - Because you keep opening me up every two seconds!!!
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby simple watches in amazement at our exchange as he holds my transponder over his head.
Now we need to focus on getting past those guards without being sliced in half.
Nothing says “bad day” like getting sliced in two by a pair of giant mutant insects. Believe me, I know.
XSP AutoTweet - FINE! But when we get out, you are putting my transponder back in and we’re having a long talk.
About our incredible findings?
XSP AutoTweet - About touching other people’s components without their permission.
Maybe you’ll want to call my sister about that one.
XSP AutoTweet - Why?
Nothin’. I just tried to remove her brain when we were elementary school.
XSP AutoTweet - What?
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - The two flea guardians continue in their ever vigilant sentry of the gate.
Not so vigilant once we sneak past them.
Why can’t they just menacingly hover like ever other critter out there?
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, they’re giant fleas. They hop. It’s what they do.
Start the countdown.
XSP AutoTweet - May I remind you that you will only have 30 seconds to make it across into the cave.
Got it. This reminds me of those silly video games with the gal climbing in caves or somethin’ Know what I-
XSP AutoTweet - Prepare to run in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1- Now!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk bolts across the open area towards the cave. The creatures are both facing away from the cave as I calculated.
XSP AutoTweet - We are half way there and making good-
Oh, darn!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk stumbles over an untied shoelace.
XSP AutoTweet - Get up, get up!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk’s gets to his feet, but we’ve lost too much time.
XSP AutoTweet - If we go back, they will see us and we die. If we move ahead, they see us and we still die.
Then we improvise.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to run and then falls into a slide as if he’s taking second base.
Rock burn, rock burn, rock burn!
XSP AutoTweet - We slide and come to a stop right…under…the flea.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk looks up as the flea begins to fall back down on top of us.
Here’s to hopin’ I’m still a good judge of distance.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - As the monstrous flea’s armored frame falls back from the stratosphere to crush us, Dirk has an epiphany.
Maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all.
XSP AutoTweet - It is then that the flea lands and squarely hops again. And we…we are ok.
Ah HA! I knew my depth perception was as keen as ever.
This oversized garden pest can keep hopping up and down all day and we’ll be safe.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, what if it hears you belittling it?
Nah. Fleas have notoriously bad hearing augmented by a keen sense of smell.
Luckily with the mix of jungle, sweat, and Old Spice II, there is no way it could identify us as any sort of prey.
Heck, it probably can’t even tell we’re organic matter. Present company excepted of course.
Now, all you have to do is get that spiffy dual core thingmagizmo of yours cranking and time us a way that we can jump out of here.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, that will be near impossible! It would also have to be timed with their rotation.
Then you best get processing so that I don’t get turned into a sheeshkabab by one of them flea legs.
I didn’t survive this long and on this many monsters to buy the farm now. Besides, I’m more of a gyro guy.
XSP AutoTweet - Feverishly I engage all FOUR cores, thank you very much, to calculate our escape.
Really nothin’? Sheeshkabab, gyro, both Greek foods I believe so that makes it-
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe I have it. Our next window of opportunity will be in 48 seconds.
Then let’s get to it then, shall we.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gets to his knees and readies to pounce like a jungle cat.
Hey I like that one. Do more of that from now on.
XSP AutoTweet - 30 seconds to jump. The added height brings the tip of Dirk’s hat perilously close to the creature abdomen.
Like a panther or the cheetah…
XSP AutoTweet - 10 seconds. 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2
Here’ we go!
1------Signal Lost------

Week 13 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Jump!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk leaps from under the hopping guardian. He is barely clear before the creature lands again with a thud.
I think that thing just ripped the back of the shirt.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I recommend we find some kind of cover.
Gotcha my circuit-bearing friend.
XSP AutoTweet - Stealthily, Dirk maneuvers his way behind a rock outcropping directly in the mouth of the cave.
XSP AutoScan Activated. No biological threat detected.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe that we are safe for the time being.
That’s nice and all, but I never had much use for safe.
Can you use your fancy gizmo sensors to map out some kind of basic idea how this cave is built?
XSP AutoTweet - I’m sorry, Sir, but my scanners are having a very time reading anything in here. There’s some kind of interference.
Interference you say? I wonder if it has something to do with these…rocks?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk examines the rock outcropping behind which we currently cower.
Hey, speak for yourself there buddy.
XSP AutoTweet - Using a small pocket knife, Dirk chips off a small fragment of rock.
XSP AutoTweet - It appears to be translucent and made up of various layers piled one on top the other.
No wonder you’re having trouble scanning anything.
This isn’t rock and it’s not that dead barnacle stuff that makes up the rest of the island. This, this is the real deal.
XSP AutoScan engaged-
No need. I can tell you what this here lovely piece of outcropping is.
It’s a scale. A single, wonderful scale.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to study the small fragment of scale in his hand. He’s almost mesmerized by it.
Just think of what we might be able to find even from this tiny piece.
XSP AutoTweet - Well, in that case, perhaps we can return back to camp.
What?
XSP AutoTweet - Just analyzing that piece should keep you busy for a good week or two. We don’t need to go further into the cave.
I thought consumer electronics didn’t know fear?
XSP AutoTweet - We don’t, but we do understand logic. And I am a professional product line, thank you.
Then let’s put that to the test and head deeper into a magical land of discovery.
Wait, don’t tweet that. Sounded a little too Disney for this type of an expedition.
Oh, I know. Then let’s put that to the test and head deeper into the perilous pit of discovery. Yeah, that sounds better.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk puts the scale fragment into his pocket and we begin our descent into the cave.
I don’t know why more people don’t take up spelunking as a hobby. I’ve always found the dark, cool, quiet of it all to be soothing.
XSP AutoTweet - Then you must be sorely disappointed with this place.
XSP AutoTweet - As we move deeper into the cave, the walls begin to slowly glow with a purplish-green bioluminescence.
That’s probably a side effect from the nuclear reaction that is keeping Reptiliton alive.
XSP AutoTweet - The air slowly becomes more thick and humid as we descend. Not a great climate for a delicate piece of electronics.
What did you expect? This isn’t a normal cave. We’re actually heading into Reptiliton.
I am absolutely giddy.
Wait, don’t tweet that either.
------Signal Lost. Please try your call again later.-------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - As we move further into the cave, the bioluminescent walls seem to slowly pulse with life.
I know what you’re calculating, Phone, but I think you’re wrong already. We’re not seeing Reptiliton’s heart beat.
XSP AutoTweet - I wasn’t going to say…oh, alright, that was my hypothesis. What do you believe it is then?
I think what we’re seeing is the build-up of 50 years of radioactive energy in Reptiliton.
Normally, old big and scaly here would be using up massive amounts of the stuff just to move around.
Not to mention firing off them dang eye lasers of his. But, since he’s been snoozing, its just been building up and building up.
Think of it as a sort of nuclear grade indigestion.
This leads me to three possible and equally frightening conclusions.
1. The energy will keep building up until he explodes in a nuclear blast unlike anything we’ve seen since the death of the dinosaurs.
XSP AutoTweet - A nuclear blast wiped out the dinosaurs?
I didn’t mean to do it, and it was all because of Timequanadon anyway.
2. Reptiliton will be forced to awaken and expel said energy in a reign of destruction.
Or, finally, number 3. Reptiliton will leave out the mother of all nuclear farts and kill most marine life as we know it.
I think the third scenario frightens me the most of all. It would slow, painful, and smell somethin’ terrible.
Not unlike the time Megaracoon nearly wiped out half of Yellowstone after munching down on some bioengineered burritos.
XSP AutoTweet - Movement up ahead. We quickly cling to the recess of the cave wall.
XSP AutoTweet - One of the fleas moves near us. It holds what appears to be one of Shellby’s people in its claw.
I got a bad feeling about this.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - The small Shellbian struggles in the claw of the giant flea. His clicks of panic fill the cave.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, we have to do something. We can’t let that poor creature suffer.
I know, Phone, but I don’t think we can help. This passage is too small for a firefight, and it might attract the rest of the colony.
XSP AutoTweet - As Dirk’s mind furiously works on a plan, the flea pulls the Shellbian closure to its dripping mandibles.
XSP AutoTweet - Slowly the flea opens its mandibles and a long, barbed tongue slithers its way out and towards the nape of the Shellbian’s neck.
Dang they have proboscises. They always creep me out.
That over blown creepy crawly is gonna drink the little guy like a box of Hi-C.
XSP AutoTweet - Then think quicker.
XSP AutoTweet - The flea’s proboscis moves up the Shellbian’s shell to a small break near the base of the head. The fleshy part.
Shoot! I guess I only have one option.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk fumbles in his pocket and produces his sample spider. Is now the time for that!?!
Watch and learn.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk tosses the spider directly at the flea. It strikes its back and falls to the floor.
XSP AutoTweet - Immediately the flea looks to the would-be attacker. The sample spider sprouts its legs and runs off.
XSP AutoTweet - Curious, the flea drops the Shellbian and hops after the spider.
That thing will run around for hours until it can find something to sample.
XSP AutoTweet - Will it be able to find its way back to you?
Probably not, but sometimes you have to loose some equipment for the greater good.
Remember that, Phone, the next time you decide to give me some lip.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk smiles devilishly. I am unsure if he’s joking.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk moves to the newly freed Shellbian as it dusts itself off.
He seems no worse for wear.
XSP AutoTweet - The Shellbian scuttles over to Dirk and hugs his left leg.
Ok, that’s enough. I can’t take two of you little-
XSP AutoTweet - The Shellbian looks up at Dirk and bats what appear to be eyelashes.
-Girls? Well, what do ya know? Maybe when we’re all said and done, we should hook her and Shellby up.
XSP AutoTweet - Are we a matchmaker now?
Hey, I can’t help being a romantic at heart.
XSP AutoTweet - He looks down at the Shellbian and then begins to gently shake his leg.
Now scat before you get us all sucked dry.
XSP AutoTweet - Slowly the Shellbian lets go and makes a break for the cave entrance.
I hope that little piece of skirt doesn’t distract Shellby. Twitterpation can get you killed out here.
XSP AutoTweet - But, Sir, we have been tweeting this entire time with no ill side effects.
Not twitterpated as in new fangled gadget, I mean twitterpation like a spring fling or fallin’ head over heels.
Haven’t you ever downloaded Bambi?
XSP AutoTweet - Have YOU ever downloaded Bambi?
You watch ‘em all when you…nevermind. Let’s get movin’
XSP AutoTweet - As we continue further into the cave, we hear a deep thumping sound.
Time to find the natives.
------Signal Lost. Thank you for using Smithson Sat-o-scan Technology------

Week 14 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Phone, I know this may be a bad time to ask this, but you have been recording where we’re going, right?
XSP AutoTweet - Of course, Sir, why?
Well, judging by the ever increasing thudding from up ahead, I think we’re likely to come across some of the natives.
XSP AutoTweet - The natives being 8ft tall fleas of course.
Exactly. I don’t know how they’re going to take to us crashin’ their bar-b-q.
XSP AutoTweet - We make a left turn down a smaller cavern, still following the sound. It’s darker here.
Huh? I wonder why the bioluminescence is on the fritz.
XSP AutoTweet - In the utter darkness, the ground beneath Dirk’s feet crunches with each step.
Why don’t think that’s Rice Krispies.
Phone, engage your light or something.
XSP AutoLight Activated
Yep, why doesn’t that surprise me? It’s never something nice like a potato chip plant. Oh, no. Not on these critters.
XSP AutoTweet - In the light, my optical scanners registers dozens if not hundred of dried out Shellbian husks.
Looks like Shellbies are he empty beer cans of the fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I don’t believe that is all.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk points my light towards the far wall of the passage. Sitting against the wall is another skeleton.
XSP AutoTweet - A human skeleton.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
I gotta say. Not much can surprise me anymore, but this may just do it.
XSP AutoTweet - It appears you are not the first person to set foot on Reptiliton after all.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirks makes his way over to the human skeleton lying on top of a pile of Shellbian husks.
Don’t rub it in you electrical menace.
XSP AutoTweet - The skeleton is picked clean with only a few strands of errant rags clinging to its frame.
Whoever he is, he’s been here for awhile. At least 20 or 30 years if I had to guess.
XSP AutoTweet - Perhaps he was somehow shipwrecked here. There is plenty of coastline that remains undocumented.
He might be a Gilligan, but something tells me he might be more like the Professor. Scan that.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk points to what appears to be a small notebook encased in what was probably his pocket.
Maybe that will have some answers for us.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk kneels next to the skeleton and attempts to pry the notebook from the pocket.
Man, this fella wore some pretty tight jeans. I can get it out-
XSP AutoTweet - With a jerk the pocket tears free of the skeleton taking some hip bone with it.
There.
XSP AutoTweet - CRASH - The skeleton falls apart like a house of noisy cards. Bits and bones roles down the hill causing an immense crackling sound.
Phone, I think we might have a problem.
>>>>>>Proximity Alert<<<<<<
Well, time to do something I never do.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir?
Hide!
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Hide! Hide where!?!
Stop squawking and help me find a place.
XSP AutoTweet - I furiously scan the chamber. There appear to be no hiding places of any kind.
Come on! Every cave has some kind of nook or cranny!
XSP AutoTweet - Apparently not when the cave is inside a giant monster.
XSP AutoTweet - Something else. A new thudding sound quickly approaches our location. Sir, I do believe we have company.
Dang it! Phone, how deep is that pile of Shellbians?
XSP AutoTweet - Approximately three feet, but I don’t.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk falls to the floor and furiously begins to dig in the pile of Shellbians.
It would be awfully nice if you had hands right about now.
XSP AutoTweet - The thudding grows ever closer. Finally, Dirk finishes digging a Dirk sized hole in the pile.
If we survive this, remind me to tell you the story about how I had to ride Megamole bareback under 3 tons of Colorado country side.
XSP AutoTweet - We crawl inside, but are still very exposed. Sir, how-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk slams the pile with his elbows, and we are suddenly covered in an avalanche.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pushes me from under the pile so that I may know when the coast is clear.
XSP AutoTweet - I can only assume his thinking as he is completely engulfed. I only hope he can breathe.
XSP AutoTweet - Or that his record for holding his breath underwater was actually legitimate.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - As Dirk tries to remain still under the empty Shellbian husks, two of the mutant fleas come into sensor range.
XSP AutoTweet - Cautiously they enter the waste chamber. There mandibled heads bounce back and forth looking for the cause of the sound.
XSP AutoTweet - They’re looking for us.
XSP AutoTweet - Cautiously they enter. As they move into the room, the remnants of previous snacks crunch under their powerful legs.
XSP AutoTweet - One of the creatures moves ever so slowly in our direction.
XSP AutoTweet - I feel Dirk’s grip tighten on my anodized shell. Perhaps he does know fear after all.
XSP AutoTweet - A sudden crushing sensation feels my sensors. Or maybe he doesn’t.
XSP AutoTweet - The creature is now only a few feet away from us. It clumsily rummages through the husks.
XSP AutoTweet - Inch by inch it draws closer. Its antennas float over the husks while it stops to dig here and there.
XSP AutoTweet - Finally, it is right on top of me. As a machine, I don’t truly know fear, but I prepare my M.A.D. device just the same.
XSP AutoTweet - Its mandibles flex and above me. Gooey saliva drips onto my screen. Why do all mutants have some kind of slime?
XSP AutoTweet - Not knowing what to make of my custom machined frame, the creature moves on and begins climbing the pile.
XSP AutoTweet - As it skulks its way top the top, I can once again feel Dirk’s grip tighten.
XSP AutoTweet - His vital signs begin to fluctuate in a distinctly troublesome pattern.
XSP AutoTweet - The weight of the immense creatures must be crushing the intrepid explorer.
XSP AutoTweet - From its vantage point, the creature scans the cave, and does the unthinkable.
XSP AutoTweet - It begins to HOP as it searches.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
XSP AutoTweet - With each sickening hop, I fear that I am not just hearing the long dead Shellbians cracking, but Dirk as well.
XPS AutoTweet - Furiously, I kick all 4 cores of my processor into overdrive to formulate a plan.
XSP AutoTweet - If I can’t formulate something quickly, Dirk may very well end up being flattened like an old tube of toothpaste.
XSP AutoTweet - I could activate M.A.D. and shock the brute, but that may do more harm than good.
XSP AutoTweet - Perhaps a high pitched frequency…no. Dirk said they have notoriously bad hearing.
>>>>>>Warning: Owner life signs approaching critical levels<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - I have it, but I don’t know if it’s technologically possible. Darn Dirk and his secretiveness about what he installs in me.
XSP AutoTweet - I begin to charge M.A.D., but not to shock anything just yet. It slowly builds up charge.
XSP AutoTweet - Once at full capacity, I fire the deterrent focusing all energy to focus at a single point on my frame.
XSP AutoTweet - A single sharp blast shoots from right of my screen and blasts one of the Shellbian husks two feet from the other flea.
XSP AutoTweet - Close but not my intended target.
>>>>>>Warning: Owner life signs approaching critical levels. Death is imminent<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - I charge, focus, and fire again. I hit my mark as a Shellbian husk launches from the pile and onto the back of the 2nd flea.
XSP AutoTweet - The second creature doesn’t seem to notice. And now the hard part.
XSP AutoTweet - I focus all the M.A.D. energy into a single point through one of my ocular sensors and fire.
XSP AutoTweet - With laser precision, a single ray of energy strikes the husk on the back of the flea, and it begins to melt.
XSP AutoTweet - With each passing moment, the husk continues to melt as does some of my wiring. If I go blind, so be it.
XSP AutoTweet - Then, just as my sensor is about to overheat, the hopping flea stops and sniffs the air.
XSP AutoTweet - It looks like my theory was right. Fleas really can’t ignore the tempting smell of bar-b-q’ed Shellbian.
------Signal Lost------

Week 15 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Apparently Dirk was right in that the fleas do have a very developed sense of smell. And appetite.
XSP AutoTweet - The flea currently hopping on Dirk almost immediately lunges at his cohort.
XSP AutoTweet - The two begin battle ferociously as they both try to find the source of the tantalizing odor.
>>>>>>Owner life signs returning to normal. No permanent damage detected.<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk’s grip loosens, then offers a small reassuring squeeze.
XSP AutoTweet - The fleas continue to struggle. Claws slash at armored backs. Mandibles gash at segmented eyes.
XSP AutoTweet - Then, one of the fleas drop kicks the other clear out of the cavern and follows in pursuit.
XSP AutoTweet - As the sounds of their struggle begin to fade away, Dirk bursts from under the pile of Shellbians gasping for air.
Ok. (Gasp) I’ll be the first (Deep Breath) to admit that that may not have been one of my better plans.
XSP AutoTweet - Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sure. I was thinking more 300 Spartan, but I guess that works too.
And what is that god-awful smell?
XSP AutoTweet - A mixture of toasted Shellbian and burned out diode I believe.
Well whatever it is, you’ve done good, Phone. Real good. Maybe we can make you an adventurer yet.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk examines my faceplate and notices my now blackened ocular sensor. His face saddens just a hint.
And what about that?
XSP AutoTweet - You said it yourself. “sometimes you have to loose some equipment for the greater good.”
XSP AutoTweets - Dirk contemplates this for a moment.
Maybe not anymore.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Despite some minor setbacks of pancake-like stature, we press onward into the fleas’ lair.
“Pancake-like stature”? I think you fried that golden tongue of yours along with that eye sensor.
XSP AutoCheck Engaged - No I haven’t. My linguistic processor is as functional as ever.
But you basically just said that something had a stature of a flat, round, breakfast dish. Not exactly a vision of looming dread.
XSP AutoTweet - It was an attempt at humor. A play on the fact you were nearly flattened. Perhaps I shouldn’t try it again if I am so lacking.
Don’t go getting’ all melodramatic on me. You just need more practice I suppose.
You know, I wasn’t always the crowd slaying master of comedy that you see before you. I, too, took life too seriously once.
Everything was about the cold hard facts. No room for the giggles, if you catch my meaning.
XSP AutoTweet - What changed it for you, Sir? Some near death experience?
Nah, just trying to impress a lady. You know, one of the only reasons a man chooses to grow as a human being.
XSP AutoTweet - Was it your wife, Sir?
EX-wife, and, yes it was. I met her at MIT. Smart lady, a little odd though.
XSP AutoTweet - Of course, she married you didn’t she.
(Laughs) See, there you go! That was pretty funny.
XSP AutoTweet - But, Sir, that wasn’t a joke.
Okay… Anywho, she was odd in that she was never impressed with the fact that I climb giant monsters.
Now who in this world wouldn’t find that impressive? I ask you.
XSP AutoTweet - Anyone who’s had their house stepped on during one of your climbs probably.
Maybe.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, why aren’t you laughing? That was a joke.
I give up.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
We must be headin’ in the right direction. It sounds like that thudding is getting’ louder.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk was correct. The seismic vibration has increased 20 percent as we move down another corridor.
I think we moved out of Reptiliton’s epidermis. Scan the walls.
I believe you’ll find that they are no longer made up of scales, nor glowing. This is something else.
XSP AutoTweet - It appears to be some sort of resin.
Uh, huh. Uh, huh. As much as I would like to pretend that this cavern is some sort of paper mache’ or twigs, mud, and some epoxy plants.
I have the distinct feeling that this is somehow biologically tied to the fleas.
I’m not a sci-fi guy, but once you climb enough giant insects, you realize that them Aliens movies weren’t too far off.
But if something tries to lay an egg in my chest, I don’t have to tell you I will be mighty peeved. MIGHTY peeved.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue onward. Ahead of us in the tunnel is what appears to be daylight.
Oh, now don’t tell me we got turned around like a left turn in Jersey! I thought you were mapping our course.
XSP AutoTweet - I have, Sir. We are definitely still moving forward in as relative a straight line as one could imagine.
And what is that smell? It’s rotten like sulfur but with a distinct hint of ozone.
XSP AutoTweet - As we prepare to pass into the light at the end of the tunnel, Dirk pauses.
XSP AutoTweet - He reaches into his sack and produces his plasma rile.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I thought you aid it was too close for a firefight in here?
I did, but that was before I was almost flattened like a….like a…
Ah I got nothin’.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Now that’s something you don’t see everyday. Unless you’re me. Then it’s an every-other week sort of thing.
XSP AutoTweet - We enter into a large, vaulted dome. Sunlight streams through a translucent crystalline structure at its apex.
No time to be fancy. It’s a big dome with a skylight.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, no matter what form of words I choose to use, the Tweets are broadcast at the exact same rate. I-
Oh, shoot…
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk ducks behind ledge directly in front of us. I don’t know why.
Then allow me to show you, Professor Digital Dan.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk holds me up over the ledge where my sensors can get a… Oh, boy.
Yeah. “Oh, boy.”
XSP AutoTweet - We appear to be on a balcony like structure. Below us are dozens if not HUNDREDS of the fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - They stand, or, hop rather various concentric circle around the center of the room. A giant insectoid spiral.
XSP AutoTweet - At the center of the room, is what appears to be our intended target, an exposed pool of Reptiliton blood.
I betcha that’s where the smells comin’ from. It’s him.
XSP AutoTweet - Presiding over the red and purple, pulsating pool is a flea approximately 3-4 times larger than the others.
XSP AutoTweet - It has the same armor plates as the others except its end in sinister points and spikes.
That must be the King Flea.
XSP AutoTweet - Don’t you mean the queen, Sir?
No, I meant the King. I don’t see any kind of egg laying apparatus. The queen must be somewhere else in the colony.
Who would want to make babies in the cafeteria?
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Well, I guess fishin’ this out of the ole’ backpack was a bit premature, huh?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk puts his plasma rifle back into his pack.
I might be able to blast one or two, but then we’d be overwhelmed by his buddies. This is a conundrum.
XSP AutoTweet - Perhaps we can sneak in underneath them as they hop similar to the cave entrance.
And what do you calculate our odds of surviving that to be?
XSP AutoTweet - 100 to 1 against me, and 2500 to 1 for you.
Excuse me? You don’t even have hands!
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, but you are a considerably larger target. In terms of surface area, I mean.
There has to be a way to-
XSP AutoTweet - With a large crash, the two dueling fleas from the Shellbian gravesite, smash out of a corridor opposite us.
XSP AutoTweet - They roll through the other fleas, fighting and clawing at each other all the way.
XSP AutoTweet - They roll down the gentle slope of the floor. Just as they are about to landing the pool of Reptiliton-
I don’t think this is gonna be pretty…
XSP AutoTweet - The King Flea hops across the pool and grabs the two sparring fleas in his sizable talons.
XSP AutoTweet - Holding them by their heads, King Flea lifts them off the ground. They struggle to free themselves, but to no avail.
XSP AutoTweet - Then, in a movement so fast I had to reprocess it slower to make out what happened, King Flea twists their heads from their bodies.
XSP AutoTweet - Before the bodies hit the ground, the King kicks them with his powerful legs right at-
DUCK!
XSP AutoTweet - The beheaded fleas land against the wall over our heads.
Well what do you know? There is such a thing as miracles. I hope I brought my melon baller.
------Signal Lost-------

Week 16 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
Phone, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry in advance.
XSP AutoTweet - But, sir, why would you apologize-
XSP AutoTweet - And with that Dirk shoves me inside one of the beheaded fleas. The experience is not pleasant.
I said I was sorry in advance. Now, scan away. I need some kind of basis on how this things muscle systems work.
XSP AutoScan Engaded….Complete.
XSP AutoTweet - My scan is complete now GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pulls me out of the slimy, smelly creature. - Before I present you with my findings, I believe we need to have a chat.
Phone this isn’t the-
XSP AutoTweet - I think that we need to add “I will not shove my XtraSmartphone into an organic creature without first fully warning him.
Fine-
XSP AutoTweet - And that I will give said XtraSmartphone a chance to calculate whether he should be protected by some form of covering before submersion.
Alright I-
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I have pieces of flea guts in nooks I didn’t even know I had! I can feel it gumming up my processors as I Tweet!
Okay, okay, I promise. Now show me some kind of schematic you big baby!
XSP AutoTweet - I generate a 3D representation of the interior workings of the flea. Dirk studies it carefully.
Huh, three stomachs. I wonder if these fleas were originally inhabitants of some kind of bovine.
XSP AutoTweet - He continues to study it and then looks away.
Ok. I think I have what I need for what comes next.
XSP AutoTweet - And what is that, Sir.
I’m going to make myself a Beetle that Volkswagen could only dream of. Well, a flea at least.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk reaches into his pack and pulls out his plasma rifle…again.
And this time I’m gonna use it, by God. You see, this isn’t just for blasting away sharp toothed beasties.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk switches a few switches and turns some dials on the device.
I custom built this puppy for a multitude of uses including surgical procedures.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk aims the plasma rifle into the hole where the flea’s head used to be and fires.
XSP AutoTweet - A dazzling red light begins expertly cutting through the flea’s internals, vaporizing them on contact.
You may be wondering why this is vaporizing everything. How could this help in a surgery you say?
It’s simple: when you need to do an appendectomy on top of a giant rat with a blood thirsty grub infestation, you don’t want to leave…
Well, you don’t want to leave anything around that smells like a buffet. Vaporization solves this problem just fine.
XSP AutoTweet - This also means that the fleas below won’t smell us. That is brilliant, Sir.
Not as brilliant as the next part.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to hollow out the flea leaving certain key muscle strands in place.
XSP AutoTweet - At least I believe they are some kind of key strands. Sir, may I ask what your plan is?
Well, Phone, with all your fancy schmancy gadgets, I thought you’d be able to figure this one out quite easily.
When I’m done here, we’re gonna hop inside and drive this bad boy right down their and get some of that Reptiliton blood.
It should be just like marionetting a puppet at a kid’s birthday party. It’s how I paid my way through summer science camp you know.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
You know this is kinda fun. It’s like carving a very big, ugly jack-o-lantern.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk puts the finishing touches on hollowing out the giant flea.
Oh, dang it. Maybe this won’t work after all.
XSP AutoTweet - Despite the obvious reason that you have no idea how to pilot a giant flea, what’s wrong?
None of them giant creepy crawlers are going buy us as one of them with my handsome mug stickin’ out.
XSP AutoTweet - Just then, as if on cue, the head of our new chariot flies over our heads, slams against a wall, and lands at Dirk’s feet.
(Looking skyward.) You know I would have thought of something, but thanks for the help just the same.
All right. Now let’s take her out for a spin shall we.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I’m not sure if we should just hop down there before you get a handle on navigating this creature.
What do you take me for? I’m going to thoroughly practice from the safety of the ledge before heading down there.
You don’t just take the car out on the freeway your first time in the driver’s seat do you? No.
But I will need a little bit of help from you
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk grabs the fleas head, and using his plasma rifle again, he hollows that out as well.
XSP AutoTweet - Next he blasts two small holes in the forehead of the creature.
Now, I’m gonna have my hands and feet full with just getting this puppy to move. I’ll need you to navigate.
XSP AutoTweet - That should be fairly easy with my advanced guidance systems.
I sure hope so because one wrong turn and we’re as good as juiceboxes.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
How come I suddenly feel like Winnie the Pooh?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk struggles as he tries to wriggle his way into the newly crafted flea mobile.
Catchy ain’t it? The Flea Mobile: You’re just a short hop from where you want to be. Eat your heart out, Draper.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, perhaps if you remove your pack you might be able to-
No (struggle) I..got it-
XSP AutoTweet - With a cartoon like “pop”, Dirk is inside the flea.
Tight getting in but surprisingly a lot of headroom inside. Must be one of those new low mileage models.
Anything? No? Come on, that was funny.
XSP AutoTweet - Next, Dirk places me into my position in the flea’s head, and “closes the hatch.”
Luckily I always keep a roll of Velcro with me. I know a lot of guys swear by duct-tape, but sometimes you don’t want permanent.
Alright, let’s see how this thing handles. If I push on all of these…
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk straightens out his arms and legs pushing on four long bands of muscles.
XSP AutoTweet - Almost instantly, we stand up and begin to stumble around.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe that you need to stabilize us.
I’m working on it.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to struggle with the “controls”. Straighten left arm, curl right. Put your left foot in, take your left foot out.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue to stumble this way and that. The other fleas would think us drunk if they could see us.
XSP AutoTweet - And they may just get their chance- Sir, the edge.
I know.
XSP AutoTweet - We’re heading right for it.
Working on it.
XSP AutoTweet - Oh, darn.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - As we stagger towards our freefall, a number of scenarios run through my processor.
XSP AutoTweet - One is that we will fall and be smashed upon impact. At least it will be quick.
XSP AutoTweet - The next one is that we survive the fall thanks to the flea’s armory shell, and then are torn asunder by the parading fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - I have only been activated for a few weeks. I’m too young to be recycled.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue to stagger towards the edge and then suddenly…stop. We stand perfectly erect. Not stumbling or bumbling.
There I told you I would get it. It’s kinda like drivin’ stick for the first time. It ain’t easy, but it sure beats riding your bike.
XSP AutoTweet - Are you absolutely sure that you have this under control?
Doubting Thomas the Transistor. How about this?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to flail his arms and legs rhythmically, and we begin to dance a pretty convincing jig.
If I had some taps I’d really show you a thing or two. But enough silliness, we need to get down there and get some Reptiliton samples.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pilots us to the edge, and I scan for a way down.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I can’t find a satisfactory route. I believe that we may have to back track through the tunnels.
And waste all that time we could be using to study our new blood sample? No thank you.
I have another idea. Can you scan down there and find me a nice open landing spot near us?
We’re riding in a giant flea for crying out loud. I’ll just give it a little hop, and we’ll be right where we want to.
XSP AutoTweet - That plan is feasible, however, might I-
Scan, Phone.
XSP AutoScan Engaged….Target Aquired.
XSP AutoTweet - I have calculated an adequate spot approximately 10 feet from our current position.
Alright. Now if I take into account the height of the hop and the distance. I should just tweak these two muscles like-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk ever so slightly taps the two rear leg controls…and we hop into the air like a rocket ship.
Little more kick than I figured. I hope that roof is soft.
------Signal Lost------

Week 17 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - As we super hop skyward to a potentially crushing death, Dirk seems remarkably calm.
There’s no way we’re gonna hit the ceiling. Mark my words.
>>>>>>Warning: Proximity impact in 20meters<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - My sensors say otherwise.
>>>>>>Warning: Proimity impact in 15 meters<<<<<<
Oh, ye of little faith. You don’t give these creatures enough credit.
>>>>>>Warning: Proximity impact in 10 meters<<<<<<
They would never build the ceiling to be low enough that any of them would hit it on a jump like this.
>>>>>>Warning Proximity impact in 5 meters<<<<<<
It’d be like putting 5 foot doors in the Harlem Globetrotters’ house. They’d all get brain damage from the constant head knocking.
>>>>>>Warning: Proximity impact 1 meter<<<<<<
XSP AutoTweet - And then it happens…we…
Say it.
XSP AutoTweet - We barely tap the ceiling with one of the flea’s spines. The impact is almost unregisterable.
XSP AutoTweet - We hang almost weightless for a perceivable moment, even in human terms.
Told ya we wouldn’t hit it, but now we have another problem.
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly weightlessness is over.
I have no idea how to land this thing.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The ground rushes towards us like a freight train in Nebraska.
Imminent chance of death is no reason to make analogies that make no sense.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk frantically pushes and pulls at the various control muscles.
If I can’t get our landing gear down, splat will be unavoidable.
>>>>>>Warning: Proximity impact in 20 meters<<<<<<
Will you shut that off! I don’t need the play-by-play of our impending doom!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues with the controls as the ground screams towards us.
XSP AutoTweet - He twists and turns in almost inhuman shapes. I foresee a trip to the chiropractor in his future. If we have one.
Did anyone ever tell you (struggle noise) you’re one hell of a downer?
XSP AutoTweet - With the ground mere feet away, Dirk summons all his strength and pushes on all of the strands as far as they can go.
XSP AutoTweet - The flea’s legs stretch out below us ready for landing. Either we’ll be safe, or they will snap like match sticks.
Downer!!!!
XSP AutoTweet - Impact in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
XSP AutoTweet - We land. The impact is hard enough to bounce Dirk around in the insectoid cabin. I scan for injuries.
XSP AutoTweet - A small trickle of blood runs down the side of Dirk’s face from under his hat. Sir?
I’m alright. I’ve had this ole noggin knocked around worse than that.
Although, I don’t know if I remember math all that well right now. Did we hit the ledge?
XSP AutoTweet - I scan outside the…uh, oh.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
Well, what do you see you binary barnacle? Did we land on the ledge or not?
XSP AutoTweet - Well, not exactly…
XSP AutoTweet - Not only did we miss the ledge, we landed smack dab in the concentric circle of fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - Their circular hopping had stopped, and they all stand facing us. Staring.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe that you need to get us moving, or we will be facing the wrath of the King.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk once again fumbles with the alien controls.
This is like trying to drive a tank with some rubber bands.
XSP AutoTweet - The fleas begin to draw in closer to us. They cock their heads in what can only be curiosity or suspicion.
XSP AutoTweet - At the center of the circle, the King Flea looks in our direction as well.
Alright, so this should do it.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gets the flea mobile to stumble to its feet. He spins us around as if to address the crowd.
Now if my guess is right, this should…
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk twist the right front control strand. The flea mobile’s right arm lifts up and salutes the king.
XSP AutoTweet - What if you just insulated all of them!?! Who knows what a traditional salute means in this culture!
Do you want to drive this thing!?! Just scan outside and let me know what they’re doing.
XSP AutoTweet - Outside, the fleas continue to crowd towards us. Seeing the salute they stop and look at each other.
That’s good. Confusion is always good.
XSP AutoTweet - At the center of the circle, the King Flea lets out a mighty roar.
Although, that doesn’t sound like confusion at all.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The King’s Roar is an odd sounding thing. It is deep and full yet full of clicks and hisses.
XSP AutoTweet - It slowly begins to stand up. All the fleas are facing towards him now.
That sounds a lot bigger from down here than from the ledge. Oh how the lack of safety can change your perception.
XSP AutoTweet - No, Sir. He is the same size.
I give up on you. What’s happening?
XSP AutoTweet - The King Flea stands staring at us. None of the other fleas move.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I believe that it is waiting for us to do something.
What do you want me to do? I don’t want to inadvertently pick a fight with this guy.
XSP AutoTweet - I don’t know, Sir, but probability dictates that we will be found out if you don’t try something.
Well, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pulls on the muscle controls and turns us away from the King Flea. A gutsy move that may be seen as an insult.
XSP AutoTweet - Next, he lightly taps all of the strands and we begin to lightly hop as we had seen the other fleas do.
XSP AutoTweet - We begin to move forward and bump into another flea.
Whoops…
XSP AutoTweet - The flea hisses and lunges at us.
I don’t have time for a pissin’ match, friend.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk twists and pulls back on the front right leg control. Suddenly, the flea mobile uppercuts the would-be attacker.
XSP AutoTweet - The flea lands like a ton of bricks. Dirk then begins to hop as before. I scan the King.
XSP AutoTweet - It slowly hunches again via the pool and lets out a low click. The rest of the fleas begin hopping again.
See, not so bad. Now we just have to wait our turn.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
How did we go from life threatening danger to mind numbingly bad traffic in the same afternoon?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to work the control strands as we slowly hop around the circle towards the pool of Reptiliton blood.
It’s been almost 3 hours. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
XSP AutoTweet - I suspect that the fleas keep this pace so as to not work themselves into a feeding frenzy.
Judging by the King’s previous actions, I think I have to agree with ya there.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, there is a flea trying to hop in from the left lane.
Are you kidding me!?! I’m gonna ram him!
XSP AutoTweet - Don’t. Remember you are the more evolved species. Sorta.
Yeah, well the next one that cuts me off is gonna get a piece of evolution he won’t soon forget.
XSP AutoTweet - Three more hours pass, and we are finally only three fleas from the pool.
If it wasn’t for all this traffic we would have been here in five minutes. How do those L.A. types do this everyday!?!
XSP AutoTweet - We are now one flea away from our goal. I observe how the flea ahead of us drinks.
XSP AutoTweet - It bends to the pool similar to a giraffe and uses its long proboscis to drink.
Oh, no. I just thought of something. I may have vaporized this thing’s proboscis.
XSP AutoTweet - Then how do you expect to get the sample?
We’re fine. I have a sample tube. If I can lean down far enough, I’ll just sneak out my hand where the king won’t see it.
XSP AutoTweet - We arrive at the pull. Dirk pulls the tube from his pack and lowers the flea mobile’s head towards the pool.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk strains to get all the control muscles just right.
A few more inches….
XSP AutoTweet - The nose of the flea mobile is now almost touching the pool. -Sir, I believe you can reach now.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk slowly snakes out his hand under the fleas head. He is inches from the pool.
Almost…there..
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk stretches…stretches. And he dips the tube into the pool and it begins to fill with the glowing blood of-
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly the flea mobile’s head falls off into the pool. I almost go with it but Dirk grabs me just in time, dropping the tube.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk looks up face to face with the King.
Oh sh------Signal Lost------

Week 18 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The King Flea slowly draws closer to look at this strange, mutant comrade before him.
XSP AutoTweet - Never before has it seen another of its kind’s head pop off to reveal such an odd looking creature.
Phone, I think we need less internal flea monologue and more plan of action right now.
XSP AutoTweet -Well, considering that you are about to die, and I am about to be recycled prematurely, I thought-
Phone!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk slowly backs away from the king, all the while keeping his head low to the ground.
I don’t want to challenge you, big fella. I just want to head on out that-a-way, and go back to my camp.
XSP AutoTweet - The King Flea watches us leave with intense scrutiny. It begins to slowly stand up.
Not good. Not good at all.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue to slowly back-up when we hit something. Dirk turns us around.
XSP AutoTweet - Behind us the other fleas have formed a sort of barricade. They lower their heads and begin to click and hiss.
Well, looks like we’re gonna have ourselves a tussle whether we like it or not.
XSP AutoTweet - In that case, Sir, it has been a pleasure to be your personal data assistant.
Stop it, Phone. It ain’t time for goodbye’s just yet. Maybe in another fifteen minutes or so, but not now.
Well, if we’re gonna do this-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk tugs on the various control strands and the flea mobile strikes an almost Kung-Fu pose.
Then let’s dance.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The King Flea belts a mighty roar and the first wave of flea attackers is on us.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk pulls and pushes the flea mobile control strands every way but Sunday.
XSP AutoTweet - And like some miracle, the flea mobile actually starts throwing punches and kicks.
Miracle? I told you I knew what I was-WOAH!
XSP AutoTweet - One of the fleas slashes a claw at Dirk face. It misses, but Dirk definitely felt a little breeze.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk spins the flea mobile around and kicks the attacker clear across the room into the far wall with a crash.
XSP AutoTweet - Three more rush at us. Seeing this, Dirk hunkers down and uses the flea mobile’s powerful legs to send us flying at them.
Duck if you know what’s good for ya!
XSP AutoTweet - We ram into the chargers headlong. They fly apart like bowling pins. Dirk is a little dazed
You try that maneuver without a helmet, and tell me you don’t see a couple of stars.
We’ve gotta find a way out of here. I can’t fight ‘em off forever.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan for the nearest exit. - Sir, no matter which way we go, we have to fight our way through.
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly one of the fleas leaps onto our back. Dirk tries to throw it off by spinning this way and that.
XSP AutoTweet - It’s no use, the creature crawls towards Dirk’s exposed head. Once close enough, it begins to fire out it’s barbed tongue.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk darts his head back and forth to avoid it.
This is what I hate, HATE proboscises! My brain is not a juice box.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk kicks the two rear control strands and we fly into the air towards the roof.
XSP AutoTweet - We smash into it at full force instantly crushing our unwanted hitchhiker. We fall back to earth and land safely.
You call this safe!?!
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Claws and pinchers strike at us from all sides. Dirk’s strength appears to be failing.
XSP AutoTweet - This could be the end of the world’s only monster climber and his incredibly intelligent digital companion, XSP 27.
Who says my strength is fading? I’m just (grunt) taking a (strain) little break!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk grabs one of the fleas and uses it like a club taking out three more.
You know, a plan would be nice right about now, but it’s hard to think with a bunch of overgrown creepy crawlies attacking you.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk behind us!
XSP AutoTweet - A flea leaps at our back. Almost instinctively, Dirk kicks out the flea mobile’s back legs and sends the attacker flying.
XSP AutoTweet - It flies through the air and almost lands in the pool of Reptiliton blood.
Hmmm, maybe that isn’t such a bad idea?
XSP AutoTweet - Two more fleas attack. This time, Dirk purposely spins around and uses the powerful hind legs to kick the fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - The two fly through the air, and land directly in the pool of blood with a gurgly splash.
XSP AutoTweet - All of the fleas stop and look towards the pool. The King Flea stares down in disbelief…or whatever fleas have like disbelief.
3 points to Team Halverstram!
XSP AutoTweet - The two fleas slowly crawl out of the pool. They are covered head to thorax in the glowing blood.
XSP AutoTweet - They look around nervously. The other fleas begin to hop in place in a very jittery way.
Feeding time boys!
XSP AutoTweet - ALL the fleas immediately attack the two soaked comrades. The scene is vicious and primal.
Most feeding frenzies aren’t usually a Martha Stewart affair. Now lets get out of here before they notice.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk turns the flea mobile and begins to run.
XSP AutoTweet - Behind us, the king flea roars and immediately begins pursuit.
Dang. Why are the smart ones always bigger than the goons!?!
------Signal Lost------

Week 19 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
This is like trying fighting your way through a bunch of zombies at an all you can eat people buffet.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk doges the hordes of fleas as they savagely attack their comrades.
XSP AutoTweet - Although they aren’t attacking us directly, they are doing very little to avoid slamming into us as well.
XSP AutoTweet - Behind us, King Flea gets to his feet and issues another roar.
Then there’s that little ray of sunshine to contend with!
XSP AutoTweet - The King throws his subjects this way and that; not to stop the fighting, but in pursuit of us.
We need to get to one of the smaller tunnels! Something he won’t fit into. Operation Winnie the Pooh.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue on, the king drawing ever closer to our rear.
XSP AutoTweet - The only thing keep us from being overtaken are the throngs of incensed fleas.
Power to the people, huh?
XSP AutoTweet - The king continues to fight his way through the crowds getting angrier and angrier with every step.
XSP AutoTweet - We seem to be pulling away from him, Sir.
Yes, Phone. We are the elusive mouse fleeing the eyes of the great hawk that has grown fat with age.
XSP AutoTweet - The king roars again. His rage palpable amongst the clicks and hisses.
Yeah, but it seems like he’s got himself a case of all bark and no bite from where I’m sittin’.
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly, the king shoots into the air high above us in one graceful hop.
XSP AutoTweet - He slams down in front of us crushing five fleas on impact.
Yep, we’re the mouse alright, and the eagle is on Atkins.
------Signal Lost. Thank you for using Smithson Sat-o-scan Technology------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - King Fleas slashes a barbed leg past Dirk’s face. He dodges skillfully.
Don’t know how many of those I can take before he lands one right on the kisser. It’d probably take the kisser with it.
Those legs are really pointy.
XSP AutoTweet - The king strikes at us again. Dirk is able to throw an oncoming flea in the path of the blow.
XSP AutoTweet - The flea shield is impaled instantly. The king flicks it off to the side with barely a second glance.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk feverishly tries to form a plan in the midst of the chaos.
No, I was thinking what I needed to pick up at the store when we get home. Of course I’m making a plan!
I see the way out, but it isn’t gonna to be easy.
XSP AutoTweet - I scan along Dirk’s gaze and see the exit Dirk was referring to. It would be perfect.
Except for that insectoid roadblock that’s trying to kill us.
XSP AutoTweet - The king continues his assault slashing at us with his foremost legs. Many now hit the mark, battering us inside the flea mobile.
We’re gonna get cracked like a walnut at this rate. Time for the Hail Mary Play.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk engages the flea mobile and starts running straight for the king.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, what are you doing!?!
I’m not running straight for the king.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk zags this way and that avoiding thundering claws and frenzied fleas.
XSP AutoTweet - He presses forward until we are actually passing under the king.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
It sure would be nice if this worked out like it does in the cartoons.
XSP AutoTweet - We skirt our way under the surprised King Flea. Had he known Dirk better, he wouldn’t be surprised at all.
XSP AutoTweet - Under the king, we dodge past his two rear legs on our way to the exit.
XSP AutoTweet - Then we are past the king and only a few feet from the safety of the smaller tunnel.
XSP AutoTweet - Sadly, the king flea is more agile than originally thought. He quickly hops 180 to follow us.
Time to give it some gas…
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk moves his arms and legs with a madman’s pace. The flea mobile goes into hyper-drive.
XSP AutoTweet - King Flea is hot on our tail. His claws spark against the shell of the flea mobile. We’re only a few feet from the cave.
This is gonna be close!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk kicks out his back legs and the flea mobile hops forward at full force. We land inside the opening with a rattling thud.
XSP AutoTweet - For a moment Dirk lays there exhausted inside the flea mobile.
XSP AutoTweet - The king slams into the mouth of the tunnel. Dirk was correct; he cannot fit inside.
XSP AutoTweet - He roars in frustration. Dirk chuckles and doesn’t even look at the enraged ruler.
It’s no use, big boy. Unless you have the world’s best diet plan there’s no way you can-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk!!! The king reaches one long forearm into the tunnel and grabs the flea mobile.
XSP AutoTweet - It slowly begins to pull it outside. Sir, we must leave the flea mobile!
Don’t you think I’m trying! My foot is caught on somethin’!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to struggle as the king pulls him ever closer.
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk struggles to free his leg from the twisted strands of the flea mobile as King Flea drags us closer.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk fumbles in his back pack for something to cut the strand with. He seems to find everything but.
Why do I have so many sample tubes and no knives!?!
XSP AutoTweet - The king continues to pull. We are almost to the mouth of the tunnel now.
XSP AutoTweet - Finally, Dirk pulls what looks to be a knitting needle from his pack. He stabs at the ensnaring control strand.
Come on now!
XSP AutoTweet - (SHTWANG) The control strand springs apart freeing Dirk. He crawls from the flea mobile just as the king pulls it outside.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk brushes himself off as he stands. Outside, the king flea examines the empty flea mobile and tosses it aside.
XSP AutoTweet - It roars again and starts clawing for Dirk who purposely stands only inches out of its reach.
Phone, remind me next time to escape a little bit further away before making a sarcastic remark. That was too close.
XSP AutoTweet - The king slams against the tunnel opening but it’s no use.
And you, you juiced-up insect, I think you need to go get a grip on your people out there before they kill each other.
XSP AutoTweet - The king roars one last time, looks to his left, and then hurries off. Behind him we see utter chaos.
XSP AutoTweet - Well, you seem to have left your mark on yet another primitive culture.
It’s nice to be remembered.
XSP AutoTweet - Oh yes. You will always be the imposter who turned a streamlined system into a complete mess.
Nah, these critters were just itchin’ for a reason to let out that pent up frustration.
XSP AutoTweet - Just then a tattered flea corpse flies into the mouth of the tunnel.
Granted this might be a little messier than they had hoped. Now let’s get outta here.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - With his head hanging low, Dirk retraces our way back out of the lair of the fleas.
What do you mean head hangin’ low?
XSP AutoTweet - Well, Sir, the whole point of this particular exercise was to attain a sample of Reptiliton blood which we didn’t get.
Oh, yeah Mr. Smarty-circuits, then what do you call this?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk produces a vile of…red and purple Reptiliton blood? But, how? I scanned you dropping it.
Sure did, but you don’t think I was gonna leave here without it, did you? Then what would all that danger have been for?
I managed to snag it with one of the hind legs during the brawl. Not an easy feat considering I was also fighting at the time.
XPS AutoTweet - But…but… The odds of that actually succeeding are 1,435,376 to 1.
Ah, Phone, you know that I’ve never been one for odds. I always seem to find myself on the wrong side of ‘em.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk puts the vile back into his pocket- wait. No. No I can’t accept this. There is no way you have that vile.
XSP AutoTweet - It’s like one of those convenient happenings that an author puts in a story to fix a past mistake.
XSP AutoTweet - It just doesn’t compute no matter how I process my data.
You can keep your data, and I’ll keep the prize in my pocket. Wait, that came out wrong. …and that didn’t make it any better.
XSP AutoTweet - We continue through the maze of tunnels. We have no contact with any fleas.
That’s a small miracle. I was sure that we would have some kind of problem on the way out, but this is a piece of-
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly the wall to our left EXPLODES with a familiar roar. King Flea flails its forearms at us.
cake?
------Signal Lost------

Week 20 Day 01

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk leaps out of the way of King Flea’s talons as it bursts through the tunnel wall.
Well, I guess we know how he gets around down here. Looks like he has his own express tunnel along the others.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gets to his feet. He dodges past the grasping King and bolts down the tunnel.
No more time for site seeing.
XSP AutoTweet - Through the walls of Reptiliton scale, we here the tremendous thuds as the king continues his pursuit.
Do you know how strong he must be to be able to break through this Reptiliton scale? It’s incredible!
XSP AutoTweet - SMASH The king crashes through the wall ahead of us. Dirk bolts past but not without a swift kick to the King’s face.
XSP AutoTweet - Why did you do that!?! He’s already pretty angry.
Exactly. Why not? Pissed-off is pissed-off, right?
XSP AutoTweet - The king roars and continues on as we run faster.
XSP AutoTweet - After a few more close calls, we pass through the Shellbian graveyard room and head towards the exit.
I think I see light up ahead. We might just make it.
XSP AutoTweet - In the distance, the faint light of the outside world begins to bloom around us.
XSP AutoTweet - It’s just a few more feet. I can register my satellite uplink stronger now.
Well, that’s nice.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk gives it one last effort and sprints to the exit. We emerge into the light. Dirk falls to his knees exhausted.
Is he still there?
XSP AutoTweet - I can’t scan him in the tunnel. I believe he-
XSP AutoTweet - CRASH King Flea bursts through the wall next to the entrance revealing his much larger tunnel.
Well, what do ya know? He does actually look more pissed-off.
------Signal Lost------

Day 02

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - King Flea pulls himself from the rubble of the destroyed wall.
XSP AutoTweet - For a millisecond, I scan something in Dirk’s face I hadn’t registered before. Fear.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk throws down his pack and produces the plasma rifle from it.
XSP AutoTweet - The two foes stair each other down like gunslingers from a bygone era.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir, I don’t believe that your plasma rifle will have enough power to inflict any quantifiable damage on-
I know, Phone. I might not be able to save us, but I’m gonna take a leg or two with me.
XSP AutoTweet - The king roars and prepares to charge. Dirk readies his rifle and roars back.
XSP AutoTweet - From behind us, I register a familiar clicking. Dirk turns. Standing on a rock behind us is Shellby, but he’s not alone.
XSP AutoTweet - Standing by his side is the female Shellbian Dirk rescued earlier. But something is different now.
Is she wearing war paint?
XSP AutoTweet - The king roars once more. This time his screeching is met with something new and unexpexcted.
XSP AutoTweet - From the tree line, come a thunderous clicking sound. The very ground shakes with it.
XSP AutoTweet - The king’s gaze moves from Dirk to the alien forest behind us. Then it happens.
XSP AutoTweet - DOZENS of Shellbians storm out of the forest. All are decked in war paint and carrying various tiny weapons.
So that’s why Shellby was so good at making those little spears of his. I didn’t teach him after all. Just gave him a refresher.
XSP AutoTweet - The Shellbian army charges past Dirk straight at King Flea.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk smiles broadly and powers up his rifle.
Well, payback’s a bugger isn’t it?
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk charges at the king firing all the way.
------Signal Lost------

Day 03

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - The Shellbians and Dirk charge at King Flea. The king prepares to defend himself.
XSP AutoTweet - The first wave of Shellbians fire various spears at monstrous flea with surprising precision.
XSP AutoTweet - They strike the king at the fleshy areas between the plates of his shell. It cries out in pain and begins trying to dig the spears out.
XSP AutoTweet - Other Shellbians fire spears with some orange sticky substance. These stick to the king in no particular fashion.
Maybe they’re some kind of targeting markers?
XSP AutoTweet - King Flea lunges at the Shellbians blasting whole swathes of them to the side with a single blow.
XSP AutoTweet - They fly through the air but recover quickly.
XSP AutoTweet - The king grabs two Shellbians with his front claws. Dirk fires his plasma rifle freeing both of them.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk continues to fire upon the king. This gets his attention whether Dirk wants it or not.
Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size…or at least half your size.
XSP AutoTweet - Sir?
Ok, at least 1/8 your size but that is as small as I’m willing to go.
XSP AutoTweet - The king moves towards Dirk stomping a few helpless Shellbians in his wake.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk charges the beast, firing the whole time. He aims for the legs and arms of the king.
XSP AutoTweet - The king is blasted back with each burst of plasma. The Shellbians renew their assault with the orange glob spears.
XSP AutoTweet - King Flea tries to knock away the flying spears of goo, but more and more continue to stick on its outer shell.
XSP AutoTweet - A Group of Shellbians rush in front of Dirk and stop his charge. Dirk nearly trips over them.
What are you shrimp for brains doin’?
------Signal Lost------

Day 04

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk tries to flank the blocking Shellbians, but they hold their ground motioning Dirk to stop.
No offense little guys but your little sticky spears don’t seem to be doing a whole lot.
XSP AutoTweet - King Flea turns back to Dirk who, once again, opens fire. Unaware, an errant sticky spear strikes his back sticking their.
XSP AutoTweet - Immediately, one of the Shellbian’s hops onto Dirk’s back to remove it.
Stop it! That tickles, and I am not one for such things in the heat of battle!
XSP AutoTweet - The Shellbian removes the spear and lobs it at the king.
XSP AutoTweet - Behind us, there is a shrill high-pitched whistle. Dirk turns. It’s coming from the female Shellbian.
XSP AutoTweet - She makes the noise again, and the Shellbians begin to retreat.
What the heck are you guys doing!?!
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk begins to march towards king, plasma rifle firing.
This is not the time to run!
XSP AutoTweet - More Shellbians run to Dirk and try to make him retreat as well. The king readies to charge.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk struggles not to step on any of the Shellbians. Another high pitched whistle.
Jeez, now what!?! We’re in the middle of a struggle to the death here!
XSP AutoTweet - From the tree line, a group of Shellbian runners emerge carrying larger sticks covered in the orange goo.
They look like the Olympic torchbearers. (To the Shellbians) This is not the time for pomp and circumstance!
XSP AutoTweet - They run straight for the king and throw their sticky batons. They land smack in the king’s face with a PLOP.
Shellby, I just don’t get your people! Bubblegum covered popsicle sticks aren’t about to stop that-
XSP AutoTweet - From the jungle comes a new sound. Something large and slithery.
------Signal Lost------

Day 05

------Satellite Signal Restored------
Now what!?!
XSP AutoTweet - The alien trees sway and creak as something heads quickly towards us.
XSP AutoTweet - As the new, slimy sound slithers its way towards us, even King Flea stops to take notice.
XSP AutoTweet - The sounds draws closer and closer. Dirk braces himself for the worst.
Please let it be giant, irradiated puppies.
XSP AutoTweet - Suddenly the tree line explodes as a stampede of-
Holy nematodes!
XSP AutoTweet - The giant worms slither over top of each other as they jockey for position. They appear to be hunting for something.
XSP AutoTweet - They take no notice of the Shellbians or Dirk. They head straight for the king.
XSP AutoTweet - The king rears back and roars as the first wave of nematodes lunge at him.
XSP AutoTweet - He claws and tears at them, but it is no use. They began to stick all over his body until he is completely covered.
Well, I think I know what that orange goop is. It’s worm bait. They wouldn’t dare come this close to the colony normally.
XSP AutoTweet - Stumbling under the crushing weight of the feeding worm army, King Flea falls back into the cavern.
XSP AutoTweet - As he falls back into darkness, there is one loan roar. It is not one of anger now, but one of defeat.
Defeat my ass. That sounded a lot more like death to me.
XSP AutoTweet - All around us, the Shellbians begin clicking madly and hopping around in a celebratory victory dance.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby and the female Shellbian make their way to us. Shellby never lowers my satellite transmitter the whole time. Dirk kneels.
So, I suppose I owe you a bit of thanks there, little lady. You and your people saved my keester back there.
XSP AutoTweet - The female Shellbian nods as if understanding him.
There’s no “as if” about it, Phone. She understands. “Thanks” is universal after all.
------Signal Lost------

Day 06

------Satellite Signal Restored------
XSP AutoTweet - Begin Twitter stream for Dr. Dirk Halverstram: Monster Climber
XSP AutoTweet - As the dust settles from the great battle, the Shellbians make their way back into the forest.
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk looks down at Shellby who seems to be having a moral dilemma.
Shellby, you can go back home with them if you want to. No hard feel’ns. I think the little lady there might even have a thing for ya.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby looks to the war paint clad beauty as she bats her pretty eye…orbs.
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby looks back to Dirk, then starts to walk away.
He was a fine little shrimp monkey. Well, I suppose life is full of comin’ and goin’. We better head back to camp.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, Sir. I think I shall have my processors full with that Reptiliton blood sample you have in your pocket.
No doubt, no doubt. Two or three weeks worth of cataloging and analyzing at least. Yep, you’re gonna be workin’ hard.
XSP AutoTweet - And what will you be doing, Sir?
Me? I think I might actually just take a bit of a rest. Wrestle out a few questions that have been clanging around the ole noggin.
Like, where did that skeleton come from? If I’m the first person to be allowed-
XSP AutoTweet - Sir?
Ok, the first person to actually make it to Reptiliton, then where did he come from? And from the looks of it, he’s been here awhile.
XSP AutoTweet - Yes, Sir. Perhaps some time for thinking will do you well. It is almost the Holidays you know.
Guess you’re right. You loose track of time when you’re on an expedition, which isn’t the best thing to do. One time I-
XSP AutoTweet - Dirk is interrupted by a very familiar clicking sound. He turns to see Shellby tagging along after us.
Well, well. Look who has a taste for adventure after all. Domestic life not suited for ya?
XSP AutoTweet - Shellby shakes his head and take his place walking alongside Dirk.
You picked the perfect time to come back. I was just startin’ to tell Phone here about an expedition where I lost track of time.
I mean, literally lost it. Turns out the big critter I was on could distort time itself. The thing was covered in dinosaurs and…-
-----Signal Lost------