Subject - Reptiliton
Height – 90 stories (1080ft.)
Length – 3200ft.
Weight – 180,000 tons
Current Location – Mid-Atlantic Ocean (Reptiliton Island)

“Science tells us that nothing on this planet could be this big. Nothing.
Today, science has been proven completely and utterly wrong.”
– Dr. Raymond Meriwether - February 1st, 1959

Not much is known about Reptiliton, but a great many theories exist about his origins. In this ongoing series, we will look at some of them as well as what may have led to Reptiliton’s eventual attack on London and hibernation in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Note: This document has been compiled at great lengths by Dr. Dirk Halverstram over the course of 10 years of research. All files regarding Reptiliton have been deemed classified. It should be noted that Reptiliton is in a state of deep hibernation; a hibernation so deep, in fact, that over the past 50 years, his body has become a floating island made up of irradiated barnacles and multitudes of yet unstudied plant and animal life. The creature poses no risk to humans.

The Origin(s) of Reptiliton
Part 1– Reptiliton has Always Been

One of the more conventional theories regarding the origin of Reptiliton is that the creature is actually millions if not hundred’s of millions of years old. Some even go so far as to say that Reptiliton caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. How can a creature live so long you may ask? Some scientists believe that Reptiliton’s ability to heal at an almost instantaneous rate, coupled with the ability to lapse into almost complete hibernation for an unknown number of years at a time could easily explain this.

As for being undetected previously by humans, it is thought that Reptiliton remained hidden by using the vast network of undersea trenches as his own private highway on those rare years when he would move about. Food would also be readily available in such trenches as it has been scientifically proven by Dr. Halverstram himself that the trenches are breeding grounds for giant monsters. (See the account of Super Sturgeon for more info.) Additional credence can be given to this theory when coupled with the Time Travel Theory of Dr. Megan Flought.

It should be noted that Dr. Halverstram himself in no way endorses this theory. He was quoted as saying this at the GMS (Giant Monster Symposium) in Vienna, 1992 – “Unless cavemen figured out how to build a nuclear bomb and irradiate Reptiltion right after they got done figuring out fire, then this whole theory is hogwash. Next you’ll say he’s from space.”

Part 2 – Reptiliton is from Space.

The theory that Reptiliton is from space was initially proposed by Dr. Wilfred Gingerbottom, (Husband of noted screen actress Cindy Gingerbottom), an astrobiologist from Los Angeles. Dr. Gingerbottom theorized that Reptilton was from space based on two main factors: 1. The creature was never seen prior to the attack on London in 1959, and 2. The creature's near impenetrable skin. “How could all the scientists of the world miss something the size of Reptiliton? From a purely statistical perspective, it’s impossible,” stated Dr. Gingerbottom in his paper entitled Reptiliton: Death from the Stars. “Where else could he have hidden? In some trench somewhere.” It should be noted here that, upon reading his paper, Dr. Halverstram flew to Los Angeles and socked Dr. Gingerbottom straight in the jaw. No charges were pressed at the bequest of Mrs. Gingerbottom.

The key ingredient to Dr. Gingerbottom’s theory relied upon the composition of Reptiliton’s scales. Although no one has yet been able to study their make-up, based on their color and resistance to traditional weaponry, Gingerbottom believed that this skin acted like a barrier as Reptiliton hurdled through space from origins unknown. The large spines and ancillary fins would act as a sort of rudder allowing Reptiliton to enter our atmosphere without burning up. It is also believed that the heat created when entering our atmosphere awoke Reptiliton and was also the source of the creature’s radiation signature.

Although Dr. Gingerbottom pursued this theory in earnest for some years, he was later discredited after it was revealed in his wife’s unauthorized biography, Cindy’s Fall to the Gingerbottom, that he actually believed that he himself was a prince of the Selestron galaxy and that Reptiliton had been dispatched to bring him home after laying waste to this miserable planet. Dr. Gingerbottom now works as the janitor of Hoover High School in Hoboken.

Part 3 – Reptiliton: The Alternate Dimension

The R.A.D. theory (Reptiliton is from Another Dimension) is a fairly recent theory proposed by Elizabeth Flannigan of Red Falls, Idaho.  An avid science-fiction and video game enthusiast, Elizabeth proposes that Reptiliton is the first wave a larger invasion force of his species.  The following is an excerpt from her seldom read blog, My Very Important Musings that Everyone Should No About.

“If you look at the best video games out there, half of the enemies are zombies, half are aliens, and the other half are invaders from an alternate dimension.  Reptiliton is definitely not a zombie, and I think he couldn’t have just fallen from outer space so he has to be from an alternate dimension.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  William thinks that it’s crap, but he hasn’t even played the latest Cogs of An Army 4: Death’s Flapjacks so what does he know.  He also made out with Tiffany Jenkins in the back of his pick-up, so that makes him a big EDIT EDIT on top of it.  In Cogs you can like totally get that, if you have an alternate universe of a nasty species, they will always ALWAYS find a way to punch a whole though space time and invade ours. OMG Play a game!  The Brits were probably doing some kind of weird experiment after WWII and let Reptiliton in.  He was probably so big that only one could fit through at a time and they closed the portal after he came through.  I hate Tiffany Jenkins.”

It was only after Dr. Richard Smith, noted biologist at the Red Falls Community College found the blog via a vanity Google search, (Note: The harassment charges are no longer pending against Dr. Smith.), that its scientific merit has begun being discussed.

When asked how she felt about her newfound scientific stardom, Elizabeth merely replied, “People have read my whole blog!  Oh, crap!  My parents are going to kill me when they read about last Thursday.  That stuff is supposed to be private!”

“Although it might be plausible, at least more than the silly space theory, I don’t think that the British scientists at the time had the technology to create a wormhole that big,” wrote Dr. Halverstram in the New England Journal of Giant Monster Research.  “I also think its in her parents best interest to have that gal tested and make sure she takes a REALLY long shower.”

Part 4 – Reptiliton is Ed from Acconting

Not that there is ever a shortage of bizarre theories about the origins of Reptiliton, one of the oddest comes from Francine Davies of the Smithson Bio-Science division.  She believed that Reptiliton is actually a former disgruntled employee from the accounting department, Ed.

At the time, Smithson Bio-Science was actually known as Smithson Life Science and Manufacturing.  The firm was light years ahead of the competition in the field of genetic engineering.  It is even rumored that the company had successfully merged the DNA of a platypus and a rabbit long before their contemporaries.  It was during this time in which Francine managed a one Ed Grogsnick in the accounting division.  When Ed started at the company, he was bright eyed and full of vigor, but over time, he changed.  It seems that Ed never really thought that a company involved in gene splicing research would have much in the way of financial paperwork.

He was once quoted as saying, “They’re all a bunch of mad scientists, right?  Why do they have so many expense accounts?”  Little did Ed know that the same wave of hedonism that enveloped Madison Ave. in the mid-sixties was alive and way ahead of schedule in the 1950’s scientific community.  He would soon have a first hand look at the debaucher.

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This is silly.  How my nephew feels that the “Crazy Francine Reptili-Ed Theory” deserves to have a place on a credible website such as this is beyond me.  I think he reads too many of those blog thingies and is getting his facts and pop confused.  The long and short of this silly, silly theory is that Francine, a noted dingbat, thought that Ed had been horseplaying with some of the scientists and fell into a vat of a newly devised conditioner for alligator handbags.  This unstested serum then mutated Ed into Reptiliton, who then went on a vicious rampage as a form of vengeance for being pushed.

Now, I ask you, does that sound at all plausible to you?  Heck, I’d take the whole Reptiliton’s from Space malarkey over this.  Seriously, a conditioner for alligator handbags?  Do they irradiate alligator bags these days?  And how does a few hundred gallons of untested science transform a 5’ 2” geek, (I never met the man, but he was an accountant), into a creature a few thousand feet tall?  Did it magically just create the extra matter out of thin air?  And everyone conveniently leaves out the fact that Francine and Ed had an office fling before he went missing.  In my professional monster climbing opinion, they needed to stop printing this theory and looked for Ed’s head in one of Francine’s alligator bags. I truly hope that the next theory my nephew drags up will be something a little better than this.

To be continued in Part 5 – Reptiliton: The French Did It